Attitude is the Key

Last fall, I started working on a new project. I live on the side of Beacon Hill in Seattle and my front yard slopes down, both south to north and west to east. That means that rain water always flows towards the house. I decided that it would be better to level off the land and in so doing create garden beds where I could plant flowers and vegetables.

To that, I brought home load after load of bricks, and with my level and shovel in hand, I began to build walls. The bricks are loose, but I staggered them in a way that they stayed standing. When all of the walls are finished, I will have four large garden beds.

During the winter, I noticed some of the bricks were shifting and the walls had begun to sag. I assumed it was because the dirt underneath was settling. Also bricks have been bumped, children have moved them, people have even sat or stood on them! The structures still functioned well as garden beds but didn’t look as nice as they did originally.

Two weeks ago, I started to work on the project again. I continued building new walls but also rebuilt some of the old ones. (Since the bricks are loose I can do that as often as I need to.) Before long, I discovered that settling land and human actions were not the only reason for the sagging walls.

800px-ScalopusAquaticus — Photo Credit: Wikimedia

Moles had been burrowing under the brick walls and the area was full of their tunnels! That, of course, had caused the walls to become uneven. I knew I wasn’t going to kill the moles, so what would I do? Continue reading “Attitude is the Key” →

Loosening Your Grip (Acrostic)

Living and learning that is our task

Each encounter, removing the masks

There are no shortcuts, no easy way

To live life’s journey, day after day

Instruction manual? That would be nice

Not possible? Then here’s some advice

Gripping your plans with hands of steel

Gives pain, misery, endless ordeals

Open your hand, the path to reveal

As I wrote the acrostic, I remembered a poem that I have loved for decades. The author is unknown.

I asked God for strength that I might achieve.
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health that I might do greater things.
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy.
I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

Written for this week’s Dungeon Prompt.

A New Role Model!

As I approach 70 years-of-age (I will be 67 in October) seeing videos such as this one inspire me so much.

“Stop Thinking!”

The Dungeon Prompt Sreejit gave us for this week was to “take some time and think about the one thing that you’ve learned which you would most like to pass on to future generations.” I gave myself several days to simply be with the instructions, knowing that the answer would “come” if I allowed myself to be quiet. And come it did! While I am far from having learned this lesson, I have come a long way down the path, and know I will go a lot further before I pass from this world. The lesson that is most important for me to learn and pass on is to quiet my over-active mind.

I have always been an introvert, and probably always will be. In addition, I lived in the era of “Children are to be seen and not heard.” In our home, the most common form of punishment was to be sent to our room. I spent a lot of time in my room. Did a lot of pouting there in fact.

I think my patterns of over-thinking have their roots in those early years. By the time I was in my thirties, I spent so much time immersed in my thoughts. When I was with a group of friends, or in a class, I analyzed everything I wanted to contribute to the conversation. By the time I had the perfect words figured out, the conversation would have moved past the point where speaking the words would have purpose. When I did manage to get them out, I would then spend an inordinate amount of time afterwards reviewing what I had said. Had I said what I wanted to say correctly? Had I made a fool out of myself?

That problem was probably at its height at the time I started my personal therapy process in the mid-eighties. I remember feeling like my mind was a computer that was about to explode. At one point, my therapist told me if I didn’t stop, I was going to end up in the hospital. He told me to pay complete attention to every moment. For example, when I was going to eat to say in my mind, “I am picking up my fork, I am putting the food on my fork, I am lifting the fork to my mouth, I am putting my fork down, I am chewing my food, I am swallowing my food, etc.” When I followed his instructions, my mind slowed down.

I met Amma in 1989. My mind was often very quiet when I sat near her, and I entered meditational realms that held so much deep peace and bliss. It was as if a door had opened for me and I could see what was possible. When I was away from her though, I would go back to many of my old thought patterns.

At that time in my life, I felt a strong desire to live in an ashram (monastery), even though I knew that it was not the appropriate time for me to do that. Whenever I thought about living in an ashram, I would feel so much grief that I couldn’t stop crying. Sometime in the early 90’s, I took this problem to Amma. Her immediate response was “Stop Thinking!” I now realize in those two simple words, she had given me a direction that could change my whole life.

Simple to say, but not simple to do. I have come a long way in that endeavor, but if I am in my “stuff,” over-thinking is still likely to be the cause of it. I make myself so miserable in that way.

I know that a silent mind is where intuition, insight, and inspiration reside. I also know that the road to a silent mind is by doing the spiritual practices I have been taught, such as japa (mantra repetition), chanting spiritual texts such as the Sri Lalita Sahasranama, singing bhajans (devotional singing), and mindfulness. Processes such as meditation and yoga also help.

So what is preventing me from doing those practices consistently, what is my resistance? I have no doubt that the resistance is fueled to my over-doing. As long as I fill my life with doing things that do not support my goal of having a quiet mind, I will not have it.

While I still am over-doing, I am much more likely to say no to things that I don’t want to do. I have a harder time saying no to activities that give me pleasure. However, some of those activities, such as studying Sanskrit and writing for my blog, are part of the path to a quiet mind. I am most successful in those undertakings when I do them in a way that is meditative.

Like most big changes, learning to quiet the mind takes time. I have the opportunity to make choices between doing and being many times each day. As I experience the benefits that come with a still mind, I am more likely to make choices that will promote it. I am progressing on the path, and that is what is important.

quieting the mind

bliss flows in

deep warmth for my soul

Branches Reach for the Sky शखाः आकाशं प्रप्नुवन्ति (Haiku)

In an earlier post, I shared pictures of blooms on a tree that is in my back yard.

I realized later that I wanted to give readers a better sense of the full majesty of the tree. It is much taller than my house and covers a significant area in both my yard and my neighbor’s. I decided I would do that by taking photos of different parts of the tree.

सौन्दर्यम् उन्नतं तिष्ठति
मूलनि पृथिव्य़ां गभीरं खननमं कुर्वन्ति
शखाः आकाशं प्रप्नुवन्ति

beauty standing tall
roots in earth digging deep
branches reach for sky

Do you know what type of tree this is? (I don’t.)

A Life of Service

May My Hands Be In Service

I met Amma, a spiritual leader from Southwest India, in 1989 when she was leading programs in Seattle, Washington. A friend had invited me to go with her. I had no interest in attending, but when I was asked “Yes” came out of my mouth. As the music started that night, I burst into tears. Even though I had no previous experience with Indian music or Eastern spirituality, I had a strong sense of being “Home.” I cried for hours. Later in the night, I received my first hug from Amma, who is known as the Hugging Saint. Her hug felt good, but I was much more interested in the music!

I was intrigued enough by my experience to go to the programs the next day and to the last day of a retreat she was leading on Orcas Island. Afterwards, I was invited to be part of a group who was seeing Amma off at the Orcas Island airport. As she prepared to board the plane, I started crying as if my heart was going to break. I found my behavior extremely bizarre since I barely knew her and I saw no reason for my intense emotion. Six weeks later, I was at Amma’s programs in New Hampshire and six months after that I was with her in India.

Over the next few years, I continued to experience huge separation grief whenever I was leaving Amma, even if I was going to be seeing her again days later. My grief was particularly intense whenever I left Amma’s Indian ashram. At times, I wondered if I was going crazy. As I struggled to find some explanation, I remembered that Amma had said that those of us who are attracted to her have been with her in previous lives.

I knew Amma generally didn’t answer questions about past-life experiences, but I decided to present her with my theory at the next opportunity. When that time came, I told her I believed I had lived with her in an ashram before and that I grieved to return to that familiar “home.” I added that I thought my “job” in this lifetime was to be in service in the world and to learn to feel connected to her when I was not with her. It seemed to me that it was fine for me to come to the ashram every year, but that I should not live there.

When my comments were translated, Amma responded, “I recognize you.” I looked at the swami (monk) who was translating, puzzled. “She is telling you, you are right,” he said. My eyes filled with tears. She had said she knew me! I experienced the joy of being known and the relief of having my reasoning validated. I was not crazy. There was a logical, albeit unusual, explanation for my overwhelming grief.

My life had been focused on service before I met Amma, and it has continued to be. I have visited Amma’s Indian ashram almost every year since 1989. I feel connected to Amma when I am with her and when I am not. I also feel connected to the ashram when I am there and when I am not. I am so grateful for all I have learned and experienced in this lifetime.

a life of service

dedicated to

Amma

my family

my friends and clients

becoming a better person

leaving the world a better place

hard work? …… maybe

what could be more fulfilling

Amma’s 2015 North American Summer Tour schedule can be found at http://amma.org/news/ammas-north-american-summer-tour-2015

This post was written for Dungeon Prompts: Hard Work: What Does it Mean to You?

Reflections on Fear

Over the years I have learned many sayings and acronyms relating to fear. I have found them to be useful tools in my own life journey and have also used them with clients in my psychotherapy practice. Here are the ones that come to mind at the moment:

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

Fear and excitement are two sides of the same coin.

We can see fear as:

False Evidence Appearing Real

Forget Everything And Run

Feeling Excited And Ready

Face Everything And Rise

Other important factors:

It is important to feel Fear when we are in danger. The emotion indicates that we need to take action. Fight or Flight might be necessary.

Most of our Fear however is Fear of the future. We often feel much more Fear of what might happen then we would feel if it did happen.

Fear may also mask another feeling. That usually happens because there were unacceptable and acceptable feelings in our families of origin. In my childhood home, feeling Fear was fine. Feeling anger was not. Therefore, I learned to feel Fear at times when I was actually angry. Once I saw this pattern, I realized it was important that I ask myself if I was angry anytime I felt Fear.

There is so much I could say on this topic but instead I am going to end with the video that Sreejit used at the beginning of the Dungeon Prompt that inspired this post. I find the video deeply moving. It also demonstrates many of the aspects of fear I have addressed.

Rainbows in Many Forms

Rainbow mountains in China’s Danxia Landform Geological Park.

Photo and lyrics are from an Onam dance in Amma‘s ashram in Amritapuri, India.

Though the rain may fall in the midst of a storm
The sun will lay upon the earth her blanket of warmth
This is the tempo to which nature plays her years
And through this progression a rainbow appears

Solidarity

In love, in faith, in honesty

Hearts beating together as One;

Amma’s vision

In love, in faith, in honesty

Amma’s children in unison

Seven colors uniting as One

A rainbow alliance of love

Amma’s vision

Article originally written for April 2015 PNW GreenFriends Newsletter

Photos:

Living With Traumatic Brain Injury

Wayne Carter, a longtime friend of mine, sent this letter to many of his friends last November. It was the first time he had written a public letter about his experience with traumatic brain injury. I thought it was a powerful glimpse of his life asked if I could share it on my blog. He responded this week:

Yes, YES! You can share this in your blog. It took me a while to deal with my own issues of being known. The fear, the what if’s, but I have gotten past enough of that now. Yes, you can use my name also. I continue to journal and will share some other times in my life related to TBI [Traumatic Brain Injury] when I feel it is the time to do so.

Here is Wayne’s letter:

“For those of you that do not know, on November 8, 2013, I was in a motor vehicle accident and I received a brain injury as a gift of that learning experience. One of the things I lost was the screen in my head that I used to recall things, yes, I lost my memory, kind of like the movie, the 50 first dates. I can watch the Seahawks game, and not know what the final score was, or what plays were made, and by whom.

I was released to drive in September, but if I start reading a billboard or looking around, I forget I am driving, so I cannot look around much when I am driving. I cannot remember what I gave or received as gifts from people for birthdays, or Christmas. I often have trouble recognizing people I know, such as my 5 year old nephew who wanted a hug from me at his birthday party and I did not know who he was.

I am quite a bit slower in life than I was before. I was running a construction company, a counseling and coaching business, and in a PhD. program to become a neuropsychologist. Today, I can read about 6 pages of a Chicken Soup for the Soul, or make a meal, remember to feed Hunter [my dog], or call one place a day to line up support, and then my brain is tired, the world becomes foggy, and I forget more and more and I need a nap. As an example, a few days ago, I was in my house, I came out of a room into the hall and could not figure out where I was, oops not really that scary anymore as it has happened multiple times since the accident, I know I will be ok, just stop moving.

I am starting to reach out to others again, wanting to hangout and the shame I carry is powerful. I sometimes wonder why me, what will life look like in the future, how will I pay my bills, where will I live, or what will I eat. Today, when I go to the store it is often overwhelming, there are too many people and options of soups, making up my mind is difficult, and comparing items is even worse.

I spent 9 months working with Harborview’s TBI clinic, and with other providers to get me to this place of being able to write this without thinking it was whining, to have notes and schedules in place to support me, and to pace my life in a way based on how my mind/body/spirit feels, rather than I can do all this, I am superman.

Yes, some days I feel very sad, a few days, very MAD, and some days I have pity parties galore. Then I put on my big boy pants and think of the things I am grateful for, think of what can I do right now, what do I need right now, often, that is just be, be amazed at the beauty of the world, the breathe of life, the love available inside of me, that I can share.

Here is my favorite TBI difficulty. I think I am hungry, so I either make lunch and eat it, or I put the food in the pot and forget to turn on the burner and wonder in hour or so, why am I so hungry, or I make lunch, then think, I am hungry, so I go make another lunch, and then I think, I am hungry, so I make a third lunch. Makes sense to me…. That has only happened a few times, but it is funny to me when I realize what I have done.”

Respectully,

Wayne D. Carter

Wayne, thank you for sharing your story with us. You have always been an inspiration and a role model and you continue to be. Karuna