I Love You…

The Challenge for Growth Prompt that started on February 2 was to say something to a child that you wish someone had said to you when you were young. I practice a developmental form of psychotherapy that derives from Transactional Analysis. It uses a model that says that inside of us we have a parent part, an adult part and a child part. There are subdivisions of these parts as well.

As clients heal from their childhood traumas and learn to parent their inner children in healthy ways, I have plenty of opportunity to talk to their child parts. As a result, I say many things that I wish had been said to me.

There are six stages of development and each one has its own developmental tasks. For example the first stage is called the Being stage. It lasts from 0 to 6 months of life. Two of the tasks children are supposed to learn during the Being stage are that they are loved and wanted and that their needs are important. If those tasks aren’t learned, it may leave a developmental gap that could last throughout life.

Pamela Levin and Jean I. Clarke both created sets of developmentally based affirmations. Pamela’s series offers five affirmations for each stage and Jean’s has seven or eight. Jean includes a “Love” affirmation for each stage. If you look below, you will see the developmental tasks, the age ranges, and the Love affirmations. A child needs to begin hearing the affirmation when the developmental stage starts and continue hearing it forever. For example, we need to hear that we are loved and cared for from the beginning of our lives until the end.

Being (0-6 months)
I love and care for you willingly.

Doing (6-18 months)
I love you when you are active and when you are quiet.

Thinking (18 months to 3 years)
You can become separate from me and I will continue to love you.

Identity and Power (3 -6 years)
I love who you are.

Structure (6-12 years)
I love you even when we differ; I love growing with you.

Identity, Sexuality and Separation (13- 18 years)
My love is always with you. I trust you to ask for my support.

Interdependence (Adult)
You are lovable at every age.

Consider saying the age appropriate Love affirmations to children that you know… and to the “children” that live within you!

***

To learn more about the stages of development, the developmental affirmations, and how to fill in developmental gaps read:

Cycles of Power by Pamela Levin

Growing Up Again by Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawson

I Love Synchronicity!

A few days before I left for India last year, I found out my friend Prakash was going to be taking the same flight I was on. Six weeks later, I discovered he would be on my return flight as well. That might seem like no big deal, but the reality is I had purchased my tickets for the November 28 to January 11 flights in August, and Prakash’s tickets were booked at the last minute due to family emergencies. He had planned to return to the U.S. after Christmas. As my departure date approached, I had no idea he was still in India. (And he did not know my itinerary.) To make it even stranger, we had ended up on the same flight earlier in the year. There is NO way all of these shared flights could have been chance.

Two weeks ago, I experienced some other synchronicities. I will give you two pieces of backstory before I share those. 1) The Challenge for Growth prompt for that week had been “I Unplug.” I had made the commitment to unplug my computer, phone, television and radio between 9 a.m. and noon each day. 2) I was arranging to place an ad for our local GreenFriends group and had decided to take Tree Planting and Habitat Restoration off of the ad temporarily, since our group hadn’t engaged in that particular activity for more than a year.

On Saturday, February 20, I chose to walk the Cheasty loop (a circular path that starts and ends near my house) during my unplugged time. When I came back from the walk, I would arrange for the changes in the ad. I hadn’t taken that walk for at least two years, because, for a variety of reasons, I hadn’t had the stamina I needed to do it. That day though, I felt full of energy!

About five minutes into my walk, I looked ahead of me and saw a canopied booth. There was a sign on it that read “Cheasty.org.” When I reached the booth, I talked to the people who were standing there. I learned they were a local group who are working to clear out the invasive plants in the Cheasty Greenspace. Once they remove the blackberries, ivy and other invasive species, they plant trees in the new space. The group was in the middle of a work party at that time.

I couldn’t see anything from the road, so one of the leaders, Joel, guided me to the work area.

Joel said they had work parties in this area the third Saturday of every month. He said they also held work parties on the first weekend of each month, in an area a few blocks south of the one where we were standing. When I told him about our local GreenFriends group, he said he would love to have us join their work parties.

After saying goodbye, I continued my walk. I passed an area where Seattle city workers were converting wood into wood chips. A lot of those chips are used by the Cheasty.org group.

Not far from there, I saw the place where the Cheasty group had been working for much longer. As you look at the pictures, keep in mind that all of these fields were covered with blackberry vines not long ago. The area had completely transformed since the last time I walked this loop.

I continued on, picking up litter as I walked. When I arrived back at my house, I discovered I had been gone for two hours! It was not lost on me that this experience would not have happened if I had not been participating in the “I Unplug” challenge. And I chose to unplug on the same day and at the same time that the Cheasty.org group was working in the area I was walking. In addition, all of this had occurred shortly after I had made the decision to remove Tree Planting and Habitat Restoration from the ad. Needless to say, I left it in.

I LOVE SYNCHRONICITY!

Tools for Dealing with Repetitive Thinking

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One of the main ways we make ourselves miserable is by repetitive thinking. Very few of our thoughts are new; we recycle them again and again. We ruminate about past traumas, feel indignant over ways we were slighted, or obsess about possible future problems. Repetitive thinking can lead to depression and anxiety.

Below I am going to list many tools you can use when you find yourself trapped in this cycle. They are not listed in any particular order. If one doesn’t work for you at a given time, try another.

1) Say “Be here now” to yourself and shift your focus to the present. Do that every time you find yourself thinking about the past, worrying about the future, or into repetitive thinking of other kinds. You may need to say the phrase hundreds of times a day when you start, but if you continue saying it and bringing your attention to the present, the repetitive thoughts will stop. Remember that you are working to break an old habit and build a new one, and that takes time.

2) When you find yourself into repetitive thinking, bring single-minded focus to every moment. For instance, say to yourself “I am picking up my fork,” “I am holding my fork,” “I am picking up food with my fork,” “I am bringing my fork to my mouth,” “I am putting my food into my mouth,” I am chewing my food,” “I am swallowing my food,” etc.

3) Pick an affirmation and say it at least 1,000 a day, or more, for 21 days. Say your mantra internally, going as fast as you like. If unhelpful thoughts start coming at the same time, speed up the affirmation You can use any kind of affirmation. Some examples are “Be here now,” “I’m competent and capable,” “I let go,” “My needs are important,” “I am enough,” “I am smart,” “My life is unfolding as it should,”etc. Pick one affirmation and stick to the same one for the entire 21 days. It doesn’t matter if you believe what you are saying. What matters is that you want to believe it. If you say the affirmation in the 10,000 a day range, it may start flowing through your mind automatically, during the day and possibly throughout the night as well.

4) Make a 3 second contract with yourself. Since repetitive thinking is a habit, you will probably find yourself in the midst of it without being aware it had started. You don’t break the contract when you find that you have been obsessing or over thinking for some time. You break the contract when you realize you are doing it and don’t start working to disrupt the thinking within 3 seconds.

5) Distract yourself. Go for a walk, exercise, read, talk to a friend, etc.

6) Write lists of what you are feeling mad, sad and/or scared about. Don’t spend time thinking about it; just write whatever comes to your mind in the moment, even if you end up writing the same thing over and over.

I am mad that _______

I am scared that _______

I am sad that _______

I am mad that ______

I am scared that ______

etc.

7) If you are angry with someone and obsessing about that, do some anger work. Journal about your anger, write a poison pen letter telling the person off (and then destroy it), twist a towel and imagine yourself yelling at them, scream into a pillow. Stop when you feel a shift in your energy. These techniques are for the purpose of releasing the angry energy in a way that doesn’t hurt yourself, others or the environment.

8) Write a list of your scares in one column and in a second column write the truth about each situation. For example:

If he leaves me I will die If he leaves me I will feel very sad but I will not die.

I have done nothing with my life I have done many things with my life (and list them).

9) Write a list of all the things in your life that you are grateful for.

10) Each time you have a negative thought about someone else, write or say three positive things about them.

11) Each time you have a negative thought about yourself, write or say three positive things about yourself.

12) Most often fear needs information. If you are feeling afraid, ask yourself what information you need and then go get it.

13) If you find yourself obsessing about a negative event from your past, write a list of the things you learned because that happened to you. Also, identify the skills you have today because that event occurred.

14) A friend recently told me about a process she finds very helpful:

The moment you get a repetitive thought, write down what scares you about that thought; i.e., what is behind it that worries or frightens you? In a stream of consciousness way (don’t go back to read what you write), write down everything you’re afraid of that comes to mind until you run out. Then wad up the paper and burn it [or tear it up] and go about your business. Do this process daily and/or every time you get a thought you don’t want.

15) Think what your life would be like if you were able to stop most of your repetitive thinking. Hold that vision in front of you as you make moment to moment decisions about where you put your focus.

I hope you find these tools helpful. I wish you the best on your journey towards a peaceful mind.

Written for Challenge for Growth Prompt #8: Stop (Repetitive) Thinking

Photo Credit: Wikimedia

Challenge for Growth Prompts: February Summary 2016

The first Challenge for Growth Prompt was published on January 6, 2016. Since then there have been seven more. I realize many of you may not have seen the posts that were written by those who participated, so at the end of each month I publish a summary for the month. I hope you enjoy reading them.

I give thanks to all of you who contributed to some or all of February’s challenges, whether it was by publishing a post, by reading the posts published by others or by thinking about the challenge topics.

“Stay in the Present and Stop Thinking!”

cropped File 14-12-2015, 8 59 18 AM

As I formulated this week’s Challenge for Growth, I remembered an experience I had in 2001. I described it in one of my Getting to Joy books, a series about my years of being with Amma. While I still struggle with over thinking, this memory is etched into my mind. Recalling it whenever I’m into repetitive thinking gives me both pleasure and guidance. Here is that section of the book:

“Stay in the Present and Stop Thinking!”

I had planned to spend some time at Christ in the Desert monastery after attending Amma’s Santa Fe programs. As I started thinking about my upcoming monastery visit, I began to cry. The more I thought about it, the more I cried. Why did I have so much grief? Old questions arose once again. Was I supposed to be moving into an ashram [monastery]? Would I ever move into an ashram? I felt certain that now was not the time for ashram living, but how was I to deal with all of the sadness?

It occurred to me that I could discuss this situation with Amma. By then, it was past noon and she takes only a small number of questions each day, so I assumed that the quota for that day had long since been filled. Nevertheless, I felt drawn to check out my assumption. I was surprised to discover that Amma had not put any limit on the number of questions she would answer that day. Within a half-hour, I was sitting in front of her.

Through the translator, I told Amma how difficult it is for me to live a life that is not in an ashram, yet is not fully engaged in worldly activities either. I said I felt certain that it was not time for me to move into an ashram, and asked for her advice about how to deal with all of the grief I felt about being torn between these choices.

Amma indicated that there might eventually be an ashram in Seattle. For now, she said, I should remember that I am Amma’s child and that she is always with me. She then advised me to stay in the present and stop thinking! What could I do but laugh? Staying in the present and stopping unhelpful thought processes seems to be one of the major challenges of my life. I knew that over-thinking consistently pulls me into a downward spiral and that if I focus on what I have instead of what I do not have, it is much easier to stay in the present. I am also more likely to stay in a place of gratitude instead of moving into suffering. For some time thereafter, I used “Stay in the present and stop thinking” as a mantra whenever negative thought processes began. I found it to be a very effective technique in quieting my mind and shifting my focus.

Posted for Challenges for Growth Prompt #8: Stop (Repetitive) Thinking

And to the World I Say…

I love Sreejit’s poem. I relate to it and imagine many of you will too!

I Unplugged!

Of all of the Challenge for Growth prompts I have participated in, I think that “I Unplug” has been the one that I needed the most. I have been aware for some time that it was important for me to make some big changes in regards to the amount of time I spend on the computer.

I have a Facebook page, but primarily have it so I can see my son’s photographs when he travels; I never use it to converse with or find friends or relatives. I don’t participate in Linked-In or Snapshot. I belong to Twitter but I never look at it. I occasionally look at Instagram. I do not play video games, and only shop online when I’m looking for something specific. I don’t surf the web.

Even though I don’t do those things, I still spend a high percentage of my time working on my laptop. I’ve been known to say “I live on my computer.” I read and write emails, write articles and organize a monthly GreenFriends newsletter, work on various projects for my spiritual community, and spend time reading and writing blog posts. I enjoy supporting new bloggers. Watching my blog stats feels like a game, but know I check them entirely too often. Since I’m on the computer so much, I’m continually distracted by email and blog notifications. Like Pavlov’s dog, I feel compelled to find out who just wrote me whenever I hear the notification sound.

When I returned from India in January, I took some steps to decrease my distractibility and my computer use; steps that would give me the time I needed to focus on other things. For example, I occasionally turned off the sound on the computer so that I didn’t hear the notifications. I also created what I am calling a circuit, which are a list of activities I want to do nearly every day; e.g., walk, house cleaning, office work, yard work, etc. At first there were only 5 items on my list, so I went through the activities sequentially, spending 15-20 minutes on each one. I did some of the items more than once a day. The circuit increased my productivity and kept me focused. After two weeks, I added more items to the list, so now I don’t do them in any particular order and am not concerned if I don’t do a few of them. In addition to the circuit, I make a “to do” list that includes items that need to be done during the week.

My next step in this change process is to “unplug” for some time each day!

I decided to turn the computer off at 9 a.m. each day and leave it off until noon. That is a time period that am normally working on it. During my unplugged time I will not answer or make unnecessary phone calls, with the exception of emergency calls and calls from potentiaI clients. Likewise, I will not use the phone for email, text, Instagram or to find something on the internet. I will also not turn on the television or the radio.

Below is a summary of my first four days of using this routine:

Day 1 Report: It’s amazing how much slower time seems to go and how much more I can get done when I’m not being distracted by emails and blog notifications. I am surprised to find that I am actually enjoying having the computer off. I feel better today than I have felt in a long time: more energy, and less body tension than when I sit most of the day. I was concerned that when I turned the computer back on I would be overwhelmed with the number of emails I found in my inbox. There were not nearly as many as I had expected, in part because I hadn’t been generating them. Much to my surprise, I discovered it was easier and faster to read and respond to the emails all at once, rather than answering them individually when they arrived.

Day 2 Report: My unplugged time is 9 a.m. to noon no matter where I am or what I am doing. I was at my Tai Chi class for the first half hour of today’s block; I was back home by 10:00. Around 11:30, I became very antsy. That last half hour seemed to last forever. I was eager to turn on the computer so I could finish my taxes, and I didn’t want to wait. I was far from patient, but I didn’t turn it on until the clock struck noon. During the afternoon, I finished my taxes and other computer work and completed most of the items on my circuit.

Day 3 Report: Not using the computer was easy today because I had an appointment and did errands during most of my unplugged time. I worked on almost everything on my “circuit” list today, plus finished many of my “to do” activities. Looking at the day as a whole, I see that I spent less time than normal on the computer. I was surprised to discover I felt reluctant to even turn it on. I haven’t felt any desire to turn on the television either. Not using the phone during the unplugged time has been easy from the beginning. I’m liking this new way of doing things.

Day 4 Report: I was feeling energetic this morning, so during my unplugged time I took a walk through some wooded areas and streets that make a big circle around my part of town. I’ve been unable to walk the full circle during the past two years because of low energy caused by some medical issues. Some very interesting, and synchronistic, things happened along the way, which I will be writing about in a separate post. During the last half of the journey, I also picked up litter, an activity dear to my heart. While the walk normally takes 45 minutes, when I returned home, I was shocked to discover that I had been gone from 9:45 to 11:30! After lunch, I worked on almost all of the items on my circuit and to do lists and I rarely looked at the blog stats. I’m definitely seeing the value of unplugging. I ultimately may turn off the computer for more than the 3 hours/day I have committed to for now.

I am going to end my daily reports here so that I can post my response to the prompt. But I’m not ending my 9:00 to noon unplugging periods; I am really appreciating that change. A few days ago, Nichole from Nik’s Place told me that she is looking at a situation in her life as an opportunity to reset, refocus and re-balance her life for the better.

That is true for me, too. I am working to “reset, refocus and re-balance my life for the better,” and reducing my time on the computer is an important part of that process.

Written for Challenges for Growth Prompt #7: I Unplug

Please Listen to Me

When I started my psychotherapy practice in 1987, I hung a poster titled “Please Listen to Me” on my group room wall. Even though it is no longer on the wall, I think of the content often. I believe it contains important information for everyone, but might be especially helpful to those of you who are participating in this week’s Challenge for Growth prompt.

Please Listen to Me

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

All I ask is that you listen. Not talk or do, just hear me. Advice is cheap: 50 cents will get you both Dorothy Dix and Dr Spock in the same newspaper. And I can do for myself I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice. So, please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I’ll listen to you.

Author Unknown

I am Love

Love.

When I know

I am Love,

my heart opens to myself,

and to others.

I do not always act like

I am Love.

I do not always feel like

I am Love.

But I know deep inside of me

I am Love.

Love is not about doing what

everyone else wants me to do.

Sometimes Love is about

setting limits.

Sometimes Love is about

saying NO.

Love has many forms.

I am Love,

you are Love,

we are

Love.

Written for Challenge for Growth Prompt #5: I am Love

Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Challenge for Growth Prompts: First Month’s Summary

The first Challenge for Growth Prompt was published on January 6, 2016. Since then there have been three more. I realize many of you may not have seen the posts that were written by those who participated, so have decided to publish a summary at the end of each month. I hope you enjoy reading them.

I give thanks to all of you who contributed to some or all of January’s challenges, whether it was by publishing a post, by reading the posts published by others or by reading and thinking about the challenge topics.

Know that everyone is still welcome to write posts for any of these challenges. If you decide to do that, I will add your contribution to the appropriate challenge page and to the monthly summary.