Please Listen to Me

When I started my psychotherapy practice in 1987, I hung a poster titled “Please Listen to Me” on my group room wall. Even though it is no longer on the wall, I think of the content often. I believe it contains important information for everyone, but might be especially helpful to those of you who are participating in this week’s Challenge for Growth prompt.

Please Listen to Me

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

All I ask is that you listen. Not talk or do, just hear me. Advice is cheap: 50 cents will get you both Dorothy Dix and Dr Spock in the same newspaper. And I can do for myself I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice. So, please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I’ll listen to you.

Author Unknown

Perfection is Not the Goal!

“We can be redeemed only to the extent to which we see ourselves.”
― Martin Buber

I have a tendency to mull over past mistakes. I am even more likely to do that when I have made mistakes that hurt my children in some way. There are times I still cringe when I think of ways I treated them during their childhood and teenage years.

It is true that I, like most parents, did the best I could even though I didn’t have the knowledge or skills to do a perfect job of parenting. And like most parents, I was often too tired and worn down to always do the right thing. I have no doubt that I was a “good enough parent” but when I am “in my stuff” I expect myself to have been perfect.

For me, redemption comes when I see how they are in the world as adults. Sreejit is 40 years old and has lived in Amma’s California or India ashram since he was 19. He is committed to his spiritual path and to serving the world by supporting Amma’s charitable projects. He does this by being one of the main cooks for the Western Canteen in Amma’s Amritapuri ashram. In addition, he is a gifted musician, author, song writer, blogger and poet.

Chaitanya is 37 years old and has lived in Amma’s Amritapuri ashram since her 21^st birthday. She too is avidly committed to her spiritual path and to supporting Amma in any way possible. She is a born leader, responsible for managing Amritapuri’s Western Canteen and Café. In addition, she is a gifted writer, director and choreographer of Broadway style musicals. When people need support, they often seek her out.

Both of them are loved and respected by all who know them; and they are wise beyond their years. I have had numerous people tell me “If you ever question that you have done things right (in life), all you need to do is take a look at your kids.”

Both Chaitanya and Sreejit have told me how valuable it was for them to have had the life experiences they had as they were growing up. I regularly see them using knowledge, skills, and attitudes that have their roots in things they learned from their dad and me. They took those teachings and then developed them as they became the people they are today.

As Buber said, “We can be redeemed only to the extent to which we see ourselves.” When mistakes I made in the past come to mind, I need to remind myself to look at the bigger picture. My children learned from any mistakes I made and are better people because of them. My being perfect would not have even been in their best interest. I only need to look at the “fruit of my actions” to know I was a good parent!

Chaitanya and me

Sreejit’s fFirst trip to India

Playing around

Chaitanya’s first trip to India

With their dad

Best of friends

Sreejit and Chaitany are on each end

Written for Dungeon Prompts: Redemption Song

Tomorrow’s the Big Day!

Tomorrow is the day most of Seattle has been waiting for, the day of The Super Bowl! I definitely want us to win, but to me this season has been a major success regardless of what happens tomorrow.

In my mind, the city of Seattle, the state, the region and beyond became a family last year as they rallied around the Seahawks football team. That community experience was so powerful, and I expected it would be similar this year; but as far as I’m concerned that sense of community grew exponentially during this season.

There have been rallies occurring here for weeks. On Blue Friday’s so many people wear their Seahawks jerseys to work and in their lives. As the big day approaches a sea of Seahawks jerseys can be seen every day of the week. Apparently on the day of the NFL championship game, 91% of the televisions that were turned on in Seattle were tuned in to at least part of the game. Seattle area fans are streaming towards Arizona whether they have tickets to the game or not.

Seismologists keep track of the rumbling in the earth during the games, as Seattle is known for being one of the loudest stadiums. The dancing and cheering that happened when Seattle came back to tie the game in the NFC championship caused activity equivalent to a level 2 earthquake. The press box was shaking so much that some of the press thought that a real earthquake was occurring! Take a look at the seismic readings below. The Beast Quake happened a different year; but notice the difference in the reading during the Dance Quake and that of the Overtime Touch down which resulted in the Seahawks winning the NFL championship game! For more information click here.

Governor Jay Inslee created a proclamation that called for all 12’s (Fan’s are considered the 12th “man” on the football team due to their level of support) to engage in three moments of loudness in support of the Seattle Seahawks: at 12:00 p.m. on Jan. 30, Jan. 31, Feb. 1, 2015. He requested that the fans get LOUD, LOUDER, and LOUDEST for 30 seconds on each day.

Government buildings have the U.S. flag, the Washington State flag, and the 12 flag flying. There are 12 flags or lighted displays everywhere. Google Images shows an impressive selection of them.

Celebrating the Seahawks has also become a family event. I heard someone being interviewed yesterday that said their one year old was the biggest Seahawks fan in their family!

Tears rolled down my face as I watched the joy that the children in the video below were expressing. I think the video exemplifies much of what I am trying to put into words in this post.

(I cried as much when I re-watched the video in preparing this post as I did the first time I saw it!)

So, whatever happens tomorrow I will have had the joy of experiencing a sense of community that is so palpable that in some cases it can be recorded as seismic activity!

GO SEAHAWKS!

*****

Weekly Photo Challenge: Express Yourself

These are the treasured photos that come to mind when I think of the phrase “Express Yourself.”

This post was written for the Weekly Photo Challenge: Express Yourself

Challenge directions:

Today, we challenge you to show us what “express yourself” means to you. It could be the delightful, gummy grin of a baby grand-nephew, a message of love written with a biplane in the sky, the clenched fist of anger and frustration, or even a lunch with an attitude. This topic is wide-open and I can’t wait to see what you do with it. Have fun!

Teaching kids………….

I just found this quote and picture on KSFINBLOG: Global Analyst. I love it and hope you do to! Thank you for posting it KS.

K.S.@ksfinblog: Global Analyst

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Mixed Race Marriage/Mixed Race Children

The July 2014, AARP magazine reported that 15% of new marriages in the United States are mixed race marriages. Oh how times have changed! I don’t know what that percentage was when I married Al, an African-American man, in 1971, but it certainly was nowhere near 15%. Mixed marriage was even illegal in some places in the U.S. until 1967.

Our wedding was in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, but we moved to Seattle immediately afterwards.

Prior to our marriage, I was working at Highline County Hospital in Oakland. Just before I left for Seattle, an African-American colleague took me aside and advised me to keep my marriage a secret once I obtained a nursing job in Seattle. She said that if the hospital administration found out I had married a black man, I would be fired. Naturally, that news was very unsettling. Continue reading “Mixed Race Marriage/Mixed Race Children” →

“MOM!”

I frequently think of an incident that happened when I was teaching my daughter to drive. It was one of those, “I can’t believe that came out of my mouth” moments. Continue reading ““MOM!”” →

My First Fiction!

When I woke up this morning the sun was streaming through my window. Another gloriously beautiful day in Seattle! What an incredible summer we are having.

I went outside for a walk. As I was descending the stairs that leads to Cheasty Boulevard, I noticed there was an envelope lying on the ground. Continue reading “My First Fiction!” →