That “Now I Get It” Moment

I graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree in 1970, followed by a Master of Nursing in 1974. After receiving my Master’s degree, I taught undergraduate nursing students at the University of Washington for five years. I enjoyed teaching, conducting research and writing for publication, all requirements of my Assistant Professor position. After teaching there for five years, I decided to take a job as a Maternal-Newborn Clinical Specialist at Swedish Hospital Medical Center in Seattle.

To progress along a tenure track at the University of Washington, I would have had to earn a PhD. At some point in the early 80’s, I decided to start working on the PhD. I don’t remember what my reasoning was at the time, but I imagine it was to keep my options open. Afterall, I might want to teach at the University again someday. I continued to work at Swedish Hospital part time as I started the PhD program coursework. I don’t remember what the degree was called in those days but I know that it focused on nursing research and that I chose a track that had a special emphasis in statistics.

At some point during those years, I also started my personal therapy. I loved that process. It helped me move through the pain of my early years and I was able to make good friends and connect in a way I hadn’t in the past. One day, I had an insight that hit me like a sledge hammer. Even though I was doing very well in my studies, I realized I didn’t want a PhD and I didn’t want nursing research to be my life’s work.

In that moment, I realized I was studying for the degree in hopes that my father would acknowledge my existence if I had a PhD. My education had always been important to him and some of my earliest memories were of me asking him to make up math problems I could work on.

While I don’t think we were ever close, our relationship became even more strained as I moved into my teen and young adult years. We had battles when I came home from college during summer vacations, usually over civil rights issues. During one of those altercations, he told me to get out of the house. My mother intervened so I didn’t actually move out. The last straw came in 1971 when I told him I was going to marry Al, an African-American man I had met in Seattle. Simply by my having made that statement, he declared that he would not speak to me again, and he didn’t. My father died in 1999 without ever having said a word to me or my children.

Realizing that my PhD study was so tied to a child-like yearning for my father’s approval ended my interest in the degree. I was loving my psychotherapy experience and in time it became my passion. I did what it took to get the credentialing to become a nurse psychotherapist (Clinical Nurse Specialist in Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing) and I’ve been doing that work ever since.

I see the moment when I recognized the tie between my PhD program and the unfinished business from my past as one of those life changing moments, one that propelled me into work that I felt passionate about and believe I was born to do.

Written for Dungeon Prompts: That Now I Get It Moment

Wordless Wednesday

“I will not be sneaky or lie.”

The therapists and clients in my therapy community all use a series of six self-care contracts as guiding principles in their lives. One of those contracts is “I will not be sneaky or lie. I will be honest with myself and others.”

I hold telling the truth in high value and have for a long time. Has being upfront and telling the truth always been important to me? Not at all. I know that I was sneaky and told lies during a good part of my childhood and early teenage years.

In some families, being sneaky and lying may be the only way for children to have power and to do the things that they want to do. To some extent that must have been true for me. I don’t have any memory of how often I engaged in those behaviors, but I do remember one notable example. One day, my mother asked me if I had practiced my accordion, an instrument I hated. I immediately said yes. When she took me to the closet where it was stored, I was dismayed to discover that there was a big rug rolled up against the closet door. There was no way I would have been able to move the rug to get to the accordion. Did being caught in a blatant lie make me change that behavior? No it didn’t. What I learned from that incident was to be much more careful when I told lies. I don’t remember when I made a decision to stop lying, but I did. It may have been in ninth grade when my spiritual journey became so important to me.

One thing that is guaranteed to rile me up is if I find out that someone has lied to me. That seems ironic considering that I used to lie. However, as a therapist I have learned that we are very likely to get triggered when others do the same unhealthy behaviors that we consciously, or unconsciously do (i.e. they are being a “mirror” for us) or when we have not completely forgiven ourselves for our past mistakes. I know I still carry some guilt for all the lies I told during the early years of my life, even though I have some understanding of why I told them.

There is a quote that is often attributed to Buddha that says: “If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, 1) is it true, 2) is it necessary, and 3) is it kind?” While I am not always successful, I strive to keep those three criteria in mind when I speak. That doesn’t mean that the people I’m talking to will think that what I have to say meets all of the criteria. As a therapist, I often say things that are hard for clients to hear. At the time, they may think I am being unkind and that my words were unnecessary, but later, they may change their minds.

Is it ever okay to tell a lie? If someone was in danger and telling a lie would help keep them safe, then I believe the lie would be warranted. In most other cases though, a lie would be unnecessary and potentially harmful to ourselves or others.

If our needs conflict with others desires, we may be tempted to lie. For example, if someone wants us to spend the evening with them we may create some fictitious obligation when the reality is that we just want some quiet time at home. It might be difficult or even frightening to tell the truth, but most people will understand, and even if they don’t, the truth isn’t likely to do as much damage to the relationship as getting caught in a lie. Even if we don’t get caught, when we lie to someone, our sense of self-respect may be damaged. We may not know the effect of all the little lies on our psyche until sometime long into the future.

When people shift from being sneaky or telling lies to being honest, they often believe that they have to tell other people everything. That was true for me. If I didn’t tell people the whole story, I felt like I was lying. I soon learned that was not the case. Generally, our thoughts and actions, whether past or present, are our business. There is no need to share them with others unless we want to. It is not lying to keep private things private. In fact, it may be good self-care. Disclosure is an area that requires discrimination.

There are many times when it would be impossible to tell the whole truth and keep the criteria of saying only what is true, kind and necessary. That doesn’t mean that we have to lie though. It may be a time for silence.

Two areas that I continue to work on are not minimizing my own needs and not exaggerating. Recently someone pointed out to me how something they had done had impacted me in a negative way. Instead of acknowledging that what they had said was true, I started talking about a past experience with someone else that had hurt me more. In a way, that was minimizing the situation, and I missed an opportunity to talk about an ongoing problem.

My speech used to be peppered with exaggeration. I spoke of “millions” of this and “tons” of that. I know there are many other examples, even in the present, of how I exaggerate but I’m not remembering them in the moment. When I find myself exaggerating I correct myself internally, and ideally clear it with the person I have spoken to as well.

I think learning to be upfront and honest, yet still use discrimination, is a lifetime process, or at least it will be for me. But I believe it is worth every bit of effort I put into the journey.

Written for Dungeon Prompts- Season 3, Week 5- For What Would You Lie?

A Complaint Free World

I have been disturbed recently by the amount of negativity that I have allowed to creep back into my speech. In my assessment, I am complaining entirely too much. While I haven’t felt well and I’ve been under a lot of stress, complaining certainly doesn’t help and it isn’t the way I want to be in the world. Then last night, I read this week’s writing prompt from Traces of the Soul. Oliana asked us to write about negativity, both our own negativity and the impact of being around others who are pessimistic and see a glass as half empty instead of half full. Continue reading “A Complaint Free World” →

What a Difference Knowledge Makes!

I’ve lived in the same house for more than 40 years. There have always been rhododendrons in front of the house. They grow so fast they easily cover the big front windows. What the good of having plate glass windows if you can’t see out of them? Continue reading “What a Difference Knowledge Makes!” →

Struggles with Conflict – Part 2

On April 17, 2014, I wrote a post called Struggles with Conflict. That turned out to be the second most popular post I’ve written. After reflecting some more about the topic, I decided to share some techniques you might find helpful when you are faced with conflict.

When someone is very angry with you, if you start defending or explaining, you may make the situation worse by giving the person more ammunition to use against you. While the problem may need to be discussed in depth, a positive outcome is not likely when one or both parties are escalated. In those cases, consider using one of the techniques I list below. That may be all that is needed. If not, then you can always set a later time for a serious discussion. Continue reading “Struggles with Conflict – Part 2” →

Stopping Negative Self Talk

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I often ask new psychotherapy clients what they would think if they were out to dinner and heard a parent barraging a child at a nearby dinner table with all of the negative things they say to themselves. “You’re stupid.” “You’re disgusting.” “Why don’t you use the brains you were born with.” “Can’t you do anything right?” They usually say they would intervene, or call Child Protective Services or the police. They clearly see treating a child in that way as abuse.

When we were little, we may have heard those things from critical parents, but as adults we are the person treating the vulnerable parts of ourselves in abusive ways. I believe it is reasonable to see a parent constantly criticizing a child as a way of brainwashing him or her. Self-criticism can be seen in the same way. We may be berating ourselves hundreds of times a day, and, to me, that is brainwashing ourselves.

If our mind can be brainwashed in the first place, we can also brainwash it to think positive thoughts. I’ve always been very skeptical of affirmation programs that have people stand in front of mirrors and say an affirmation to themselves once or twice a day. But I’ve found it very effective for myself, and for clients, to flood our minds with an affirmation.

I recommend the affirmation be said at least 1,000 times a day for 21 days, using some kind of counter. (Talley counters are available at office supply stores and IPhone has an app called Counter +). While 1,000 is effective, I found if I said the affirmation in the realm of 10,000-15,000 times a day, it started going through my mind automatically. I even woke up at night and discovered my mind saying it on its own.

Imagine saying, “I am lovable, or “It is okay for me to make mistakes,” “ My needs are important,” or “I am a competent, capable adult” 1,000 to 20,000 times a day rather than all the critical comments you usually tell yourself.

It doesn’t matter how fast you say or think the affirmation. You can do 1,000 of the short ones in 20 minutes. Once you have picked an affirmation, stick with the same one for 21 days. If you want to switch to a new one after 21 days that is fine, but don’t switch midstream. If you need ideas other than the ones I mentioned above consider using one of the Affirmations for Letting Go I shared in an earlier blog. Any positive statement said to yourself in high quantities will work.

So are you interested in experimenting with brainwashing your mind with good things? Try it. I’d love to hear about your experience.

Photo Credit: Pixabay