What Self-Love Means

I found this incredible post about self-love today. I am sending it to all of my psychotherapy clients, and thought many of you would find it valuable as well.

I am republishing it with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here.”

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What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

by Banu Sekendur

“Self-love requires you to be honest about your current choices and thought patterns and undertake new practices that reflect self-worth.” ~Caroline Kirk

If one more person told me to go love myself I was going to levitate into the air and pull one of those impossible martial arts moves from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I was sick of it!

What the heck does loving myself mean? Were they talking about bubble baths, pedicures, and cucumber masks? It turns out there is so much more to self-love than just pampering ourselves. I found this out the hard way. Continue reading “What Self-Love Means” →

A Hole in Her Heart

She sat on the floor in the corner of the darkened room. Her knees were curled against her chest and tears were streaming down her cheeks.

She had been in psychotherapy for some time and she had made significant changes in her life, but she felt as if she was living in-between two worlds and didn’t belong in either. She couldn’t go back to her old life because therapy had opened her eyes to reality; returning to a state of denial was not possible. Her prior coping skills didn’t work anymore, but her new skills weren’t solid. She felt awkward and clumsy as she tried out new ways of being in the world.

She was even more disturbed by the emptiness she still felt in her heart. Her therapists, group members and friends had given her so much love, yet she still felt empty. It was as if her heart was a bucket that had a hole in the bottom. Whatever came in, flowed out within hours. She wondered what was wrong with her.

As she sobbed in frustration, she had no way of knowing that only a week later she would sense that the hole had sealed over. It didn’t stay sealed, but since it had clearly happened, she would begin to have hope that the sense of emptiness would end.

As the days and weeks continued to pass by, the hole would become securely sealed and her heart would begin to fill. Never again would she experience that overwhelming sense of emptiness.

The change you seek may be just around the corner.

Creating Your World of Abundance

I suspect all of us prefer living from a sense of abundance rather than scarcity. Moving from scarcity to abundance, however, requires that we change our unhealthy beliefs and behaviors, many of which have probably become habits.

Over the years, some of my clients have found it helpful to make the abundance contracts that I describe in this post. Each contract is based on principles I have learned in my personal and/or professional journey. Continue reading “Creating Your World of Abundance” →

When Our Paths Cross

I remember reading many years ago that whenever our life path crosses someone else’s, whether it be for a few minutes or an extended period of time, we have something to learn from the person and something to give them; that our meeting is no accident. I don’t know if that is true, but I find it to be a useful concept regardless.

By nature I am a very strong introvert so it is easy for me to stay within myself and not interact with other people. I know when I do that, however, I am potentially missing out on some important opportunities.

I imagine from time to time, all of us meet people in situations where our meeting seems very synchronistic, times when we sense that something bigger than random chance is operating. During my last two trips to India, I had four experiences like that. Continue reading “When Our Paths Cross” →

Inspiration Comes in Many Forms

Sometimes, because of the chronic health problems and aches and pains that so often accompany growing older, plus the fact that my mother died at 74, I have felt like my life is winding down, even though most of me doesn’t think that is true. The dilemma about what I want to do when and if I retire adds to that unsettled feeling.

I met someone in India this past December who was such an inspiration. It is a memory I can hold in front of me during the times I am feeling down. Continue reading “Inspiration Comes in Many Forms” →

A Complaint Free World

I have been disturbed recently by the amount of negativity that I have allowed to creep back into my speech. In my assessment, I am complaining entirely too much. While I haven’t felt well and I’ve been under a lot of stress, complaining certainly doesn’t help and it isn’t the way I want to be in the world. Then last night, I read this week’s writing prompt from Traces of the Soul. Oliana asked us to write about negativity, both our own negativity and the impact of being around others who are pessimistic and see a glass as half empty instead of half full. Continue reading “A Complaint Free World” →

Struggles with Conflict – Part 2

On April 17, 2014, I wrote a post called Struggles with Conflict. That turned out to be the second most popular post I’ve written. After reflecting some more about the topic, I decided to share some techniques you might find helpful when you are faced with conflict.

When someone is very angry with you, if you start defending or explaining, you may make the situation worse by giving the person more ammunition to use against you. While the problem may need to be discussed in depth, a positive outcome is not likely when one or both parties are escalated. In those cases, consider using one of the techniques I list below. That may be all that is needed. If not, then you can always set a later time for a serious discussion. Continue reading “Struggles with Conflict – Part 2” →

Stopping Negative Self Talk

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I often ask new psychotherapy clients what they would think if they were out to dinner and heard a parent barraging a child at a nearby dinner table with all of the negative things they say to themselves. “You’re stupid.” “You’re disgusting.” “Why don’t you use the brains you were born with.” “Can’t you do anything right?” They usually say they would intervene, or call Child Protective Services or the police. They clearly see treating a child in that way as abuse.

When we were little, we may have heard those things from critical parents, but as adults we are the person treating the vulnerable parts of ourselves in abusive ways. I believe it is reasonable to see a parent constantly criticizing a child as a way of brainwashing him or her. Self-criticism can be seen in the same way. We may be berating ourselves hundreds of times a day, and, to me, that is brainwashing ourselves.

If our mind can be brainwashed in the first place, we can also brainwash it to think positive thoughts. I’ve always been very skeptical of affirmation programs that have people stand in front of mirrors and say an affirmation to themselves once or twice a day. But I’ve found it very effective for myself, and for clients, to flood our minds with an affirmation.

I recommend the affirmation be said at least 1,000 times a day for 21 days, using some kind of counter. (Talley counters are available at office supply stores and IPhone has an app called Counter +). While 1,000 is effective, I found if I said the affirmation in the realm of 10,000-15,000 times a day, it started going through my mind automatically. I even woke up at night and discovered my mind saying it on its own.

Imagine saying, “I am lovable, or “It is okay for me to make mistakes,” “ My needs are important,” or “I am a competent, capable adult” 1,000 to 20,000 times a day rather than all the critical comments you usually tell yourself.

It doesn’t matter how fast you say or think the affirmation. You can do 1,000 of the short ones in 20 minutes. Once you have picked an affirmation, stick with the same one for 21 days. If you want to switch to a new one after 21 days that is fine, but don’t switch midstream. If you need ideas other than the ones I mentioned above consider using one of the Affirmations for Letting Go I shared in an earlier blog. Any positive statement said to yourself in high quantities will work.

So are you interested in experimenting with brainwashing your mind with good things? Try it. I’d love to hear about your experience.

Photo Credit: Pixabay