अम्मा वदति ध्याने श्वेतपुष्पाणि आकाशात् वर्षन्ति पश्यतु इति
Amma says: “During meditation, see white flowers raining from the sky.”
श्वेतपुष्पाणि सर्वम् आच्छादयन्ति
The white flowers are covering everything
लोकाय तानि शन्तिम् आनयन्ति
They bring peace for the world
***
सर्वानि एतानि श्वेतपुष्पाणि आम्बायाः अमृतपुर्याम् आश्रमे सन्ति
All of these white flowers are in Amma’s Amritapuri ashram.
One of my favorite holiday memories was of participating in a Messiah Singalong at Seattle’s University Unitarian Church the day after Christmas. While I still think of those times fondly, something else is more likely to come to my mind when I think of December 26 now.
I was at Amritapuri, India for Christmas in December of 2004. During the evening on Christmas day there was an entertainment program. What I remember most about that program was an incredible fire dancer.
The next morning, December 26, I was on the temple roof practicing with a singing group when someone told us that water had come all the way to the ashram gates. We didn’t know what they were talking about and for some reason just kept on singing. Then we heard people screaming. We looked over the balcony only to see water filling the ashram grounds. The 2004 tsunami had hit the nearby village and the water was now flowing through the ashram itself.
As anyone who knows her would expect, Amma went into action. Boats and canoes carried the villagers and the ashram residents to the other side of the backwaters. Amma fed and housed everyone in her colleges.
There was so much grief that day and for days to come. Many of the villagers had lost children, husbands, wives, friends, and relatives when they were pulled into the Arabian Sea by the tsunami wave. Amma consoled the survivors, and her own grief was visible.
There is one song I associate with the tsunami. Amma sang it a few days before the event, and once again in an outdoor courtyard a night or two after the tragedy. I was so moved by her tears when she sang the ending lines “Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu” (May all beings in the world be happy).
In the months and years that followed, Amma provided tsunami disaster relief work in Kerala, Tamil Nadu and Sri Lanka. Embracing the World spent forty-six million dollars building new houses and villages, feeding survivors, replacing the lost boats of fisherman, providing vocational training to women, giving scholarships to children, and much, much more.
Once I started sleeping around the clock, my body healed rapidly. I’m not back to normal but I’m getting there.
Spiritual Practices
I’ve historically done a lot of seva but have never made other forms of spiritual practice a priority. One of my goals for this trip is to really increase the amount, and quality, of time I spend doing spiritual practices. Participating in the morning prayers, is an important part of that endeavor. They start at 4:55 am and last about an hour and fifteen minutes. They consist of chanting the 108 names of Amma, the Sri Lalita Sahasranama Stotram and the Mahishasura Mardini Stotram.
The last stotram is a tribute to Durga, who is considered to be the Mother of the World, responsible for the creation, preservation, and destruction of the world. Last week, the translation of one verse caught my eye and touched my heart.
O Mother! Even a simple sweeper in Your courtyard inherits all heavenly pleasures. Be pleased to accept my humble service and grant to me whatever You consider to be good for me.
I found a YouTube version of the Mahishasura Mardini Stotram that sounds very similar to the way we sing it.
I generally tend to run from one activity to another. I decided one way I would honor my intention to give increased importance to my spiritual practices is to slow down. After the morning prayers, a relatively small group of people stay to brush themselves with the smoke coming from the camphor flame after Arati is offered to the Kali murti. Instead of rushing out of the temple at the end of the morning prayers, I committed to myself to routinely stay and participate in that ritual. I haven’t done that for many, many years.
Another way I am increasing my sadhana (spiritual practice) is by learning Tai Chi. Today was my first day back in that class since I became sick. I loved it as much as I did the first week. The practice leads me into a meditative state, something I really need. I have no doubt I will continue the lessons when I return to Seattle.
Play practice
Yesterday everyone that is going to be involved in this year’s play met together for an hour. Chaitanya told the story that is the basis for the play. I always enjoy being present for that introduction. As I was writing this portion of my post, there was a practice for the singers going on nearby. I could hear the music from my room. The songs are so beautiful.
Swimming
When I was getting sick, it was suggested that I go swimming as a way of cooling my body down. That sounded like a good idea to me. I had long ago given away my swimming dress, so I went to the store and bought a new one. I had heard that the style had changed, and it was true. In the early days, it was a simple dress with straps and elastic at the top. When we were in the pool, the dress often billowed up above the water like a balloon! Now the dresses are a bit like pantaloons, without the elastic at the bottom. I hung up my new one so I could take a photo to show you.
As I swam around the pool, I had so many memories. The ashram built the swimming pool sometime in the mid to late 90’s. Amma used to take us to the pool; the women first and later the men. It was such a special time for us to be with her. I remember her pushing us into the pool one by one! During that time, Amma also gave swimming lessons to the brahmacharinis (female monks). In India, at least in the fishing village where the ashram is located, boys play in the sea but girls don’t, so the girls never have any opportunity to learn to swim. Many of the brahmarcharinis were very frighted at even the thought of swimming.
After playing with us, everyone would get out of the pool and Amma would swim by herself. She would lie on her back, in full lotus position, and go into a deep meditative state. Her body would then float around the entire pool without any muscle movement on her part. It was so beautiful to witness.
I also remembered Amma bringing village children to the ashram after the 2004 tsunami. The children were so frightened of the ocean since many of their loved ones had been killed during that event. Amma and the ashramites took the children to the pool, played in the water with them, and taught them how to swim. They learned to once again associate the water with something other than death.
My Room
I live in a small flat that has a main room, a small bathroom and a kitchen that consists of a sink, a cupboard, a counter and a propane burner! I eat in the various ashram dining areas but it is nice to make tea in my room occasionally and I love being able to add a cup or two of hot water to the bucket of cold water I use for my morning shower.
Ashram Changes
I’ve been noticing a new construction area that is located immediately outside of the north gate. I don’t remember what was there before, if anything. When I asked someone if they knew what was being built, I was told the international office is going to be moved there. Everything that is now on the fourth floor of the temple, i.e. seva office, computer room, information office, gift shop, etc. will move into the building the international office currently occupies. All of the rooms on the fourth floor of the temple will then be available to be used for visitors’ sleeping rooms.
The other big change that I discovered yesterday is that there is now a new IAM (meditation) hall and an Amrita Yoga hall. The rooms are located on the second or third story of the same building that housed the old Yoga Shala. They are huge rooms and are so beautiful. Three sides of the rooms are almost completely open to the outside, with netting to keep the birds out.
Disaster Relief
Amma usually takes us to the beach to meditate on Monday’s, prior to the evening bhajan program. It looked like it was going to rain tonight, so we met in the auditorium instead. When I arrived, Amma was already there and was talking about the flooding in Chennai. She had sent teams of volunteers to Chennai, right from the beginning, to rescue people from their houses and to provide food, clothes and medical care.
At the end of the meditation, Amma showed us a video of the rescuers releasing the water from the houses in order to free the residents. If I find that video, I will post it.
A Message from the World’s Astronauts
For many years, Amma has urged us to do what we can do as individuals and together to heal the earth. As I was reflecting on that topic last night, I remembered hearing about a video that was shown at the Climate Change conference that was held in Paris this week. In the video, the world’s astronauts sent an important message to those attending the conference. I was able to find the video and will use it as a powerful and moving way to end this post.
To see the earlier posts in this series go to: https://livinglearningandlettinggo.wordpress.com/india/
Almost every year since January 1990, I have visited the Amritapuri ashram of Mata Amritanandamayi (who is more commonly referred to as Amma) in Kerala, India. Amma is an internationally known spiritual leader and humanitarian. My adult son (Sreejit) and daughter (Chaitanya) have lived in her ashram for many years so I am also blessed to be able to spend time with them when I come to India. I know from years of experience that my trip will be packed with learning and experiences. I look forward to sharing them with you.
Journey to India
I left Seattle on Thanksgiving Day this year. I was eager to be at my India “home” but dreaded the long trip. On Emirates flights, I am able to make the journey in 24 hours, but it is still grueling. The flight from Seattle to Dubai takes 14 hours; followed by a two hour layover in Dubai, a four hour flight to Trivandrum, an hour or more to get through immigration, customs and retrieving baggage, and then a two to three hour taxi ride to the ashram.
Last year, I was surprised and ecstatic when the airlines gave me an unexpected upgrade to business class for the 14 hour segment. That gift made my journey so much easier. That was the first time I had been upgraded in the 25 years I’ve been going to India, but for the last few months I found myself hoping it would happen again. I believe the best way to achieve a desire is to let go of it, but seemed unable to do that. I yearned to once again experience the luxury of lying down during an international flight. It was not to be however.
Something I really appreciated happened when I was waiting for my baggage in Trivandrum. My name was announced over the loud speaker and I was directed to come to the baggage counter. Once there, they handed me the Kindle I had left in the airplane. I had planned on reading during the flight but dosed off instead and had completely forgotten I had taken it out of my carry-on suitcase.
This scenario was even more remarkable when I compared it to something that had occurred this past summer in the United States. In that instance, I had also left an item on a plane. When I realized my error, I called the airline’s Lost and Found department and gave them my flight and seat number. I was told that the airlines only had three people to handle Lost and Found for the whole country and that I should keep calling back. They said it often took three months to know whether an item had been found. I called many times and finally gave up. And now, in India, the airport staff had tracked me down before I even left the airport. I left the airport feeling cared for and honored. It was such a good example of the kindness of the Emirates staff and the Indian people.
November 28
I’m home! I’m exhausted but content. Normally I get to the ashram before Amma returns from her fall European and U.S. tour, but this year the tour was over earlier than normal so she arrived in Amritapuri before me.
My taxi pulled into the ashram grounds at 7 a.m. After spending a short time visiting with my children, I generally start unpacking and washing the clothes and bedding that has been stored since I left the previous January. This time, when I unlocked my flat, I discovered Chaitanya had cleaned the room and even made the bed. Oh that bed looked so good after no solid sleep for 36 hours. I unpacked for a while and then decided I was too tired to be hand washing all of the laundry in buckets so I took a nap instead! That change in behavior was a first for me. I wonder how many other “firsts” there will be this year.
I always watch for changes that have occurred in the ashram since I was last here. On arrival, I noticed that the ground of the courtyard in front of the temple now is covered by large patio stones with grass separating them. It is quite beautiful and makes it much easier to transport luggage and other items from one place to another. I found the biggest change, however, in the huge auditorium. After a decade or more, there are now fans hanging from the ceiling, 35 of them! My eyes really opened in shock and delight when I saw them. Having the breeze during the evening bhajans (devotional singing) on my first night was wonderful.
One would think that Amma would take time to rest after returning from such a grueling tour, but of course that isn’t what happened. She came out in the afternoon and sang with us and then gave darshan (her form of blessing is a hug) to visitors who were staying only a short time. In the evening she came again for the bhajans. She sang so many of the old, beautiful Malayalam songs. I feel so blessed to be here!
As I mentioned in a previous post, I have a long history of overdoing. At one point in my life, I was holding three jobs at the same time. When I have become involved with organizations, I have often done more than is reasonable for one person to do. My overdoing has led to serious illnesses that have been breaking points, where slowing down became a necessity rather than a choice. I believe it was this pattern of overdoing that led to me to having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for five or more years in the mid to late eighties, and to the high blood pressure I am dealing with today.
To some degree, the types of overdoing I am referring to were caused by a pattern of rescuing. In his Drama Triangle construct, Stephen Karpman describes the Rescuer in this way:
“The rescuer’s line is ‘Let me help you.’ A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if he/she doesn’t go to the rescue. Yet his/her rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When he/she focuses their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also very pivotal, because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs.”
Jean Illsley Clarke once taught me five questions to ask myself when I think I might be rescuing.
Answering yes to one of those questions does not mean that I am rescuing, but if yes is the answer to many of them, the chances are that I am. So shifting my pattern of rescuing was an important part of my healing journey.
From a therapy perspective, focusing on self-care by stopping rescuing makes sense. Even though I valued being in service, it was still my job to keep myself healthy. When I began to look at self-care and selflessness from a spiritual perspective though, I started to have doubts. There are many who have forsaken their health, their comforts and sometimes even their lives, to live a life of service. They have shown us what is possible for one person to accomplish in a life time. They have been, or will be, a source of inspiration long after they are gone from this world.
To me, Amma, my spiritual teacher and mentor, is one of those people. Her form of blessing is through a hug. Amma has hugged more than 34,000,000 people in her lifetime. She needs almost no food or sleep. If she is not giving darshan (hugs) she is serving humanity in some other way, including her massive network of humanitarian projects known as Embracing the World. Her life is a model of selflessness.
When I thought about people present and the past who have inspired others through their selflessness, the following individuals came to mind. All have taught the importance of serving humanity.
John 13:34 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.
Acts 20:35 “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”
Matthew 25:35-40: ”For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’”
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
“Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.”
“O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand, to be loved, as to love.”
“Prayer in action is love, and love in action is service.”
As I pondered the importance of self-care versus selflessness, I could rationalize that I am not Amma, Jesus, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, St. Francis or Mother Theresa and therefore could not expect myself to serve at that level.
My thoughts on this topic took another turn, though, in the late 90’s when I read a book, A Promise is a Promise, by Wayne Dyer. It was an account of a teenager who in 1970 asked her mother to promise that she would never leave her. Soon thereafter the 17 year old slipped into a diabetic coma, one she never came out of. The mother kept her word and, with help, cared for her daughter until she herself died 25 years later. (A Promise is a Promise was written while the mother was still alive.) Then others cared for the daughter until she died on November 21, 2012, forty-two years after she became comatose.
Reading that book had a profound impact on me. I still remember Dr. Dyer saying that walking into their home felt like being in the holiest of temples.
When I first started reading A Promise is a Promise, I made the judgment that the mother was not taking care of herself appropriately. But as I continued to read, my attitude began to change. Her actions seemed like unconditional love, perhaps the highest form of spiritual practice. While I wasn’t aware of it at the time, I now see that her actions actually conformed to the guiding questions I had learned from Jean Clarke:
Reading about a “regular” person who was so selfless, presented me with another dilemma. When I lived a life of uncontrolled doing, even if when it was in the spirit of service, I became sick to the point I couldn’t function. How do I know when to focus on self-care and when to make service the priority?
I continue to ponder that question to this day. I believe for me it has to be about balance. I must practice good self-care by nourishing my body, mind and soul and at the same time make sure that I am not over-committing or over-stressing myself. I must also continue to watch out for my tendency to rescue. I can be in service to others and still do my best to keep myself healthy.
Written for Dungeon Prompts: Breaking Point
I would rather be…
letting go in Amma’s arms
awakening comes
Written for Dungeon Prompts: I’d Rather Be….
Amma has been leading a beautiful meditation this summer, one that has us visualize white flowers of peace falling from the skies and covering everything in the world. The meditation inspired me to make a collage of white flowers.
लोकः समस्तः सुखिनो भवन्तु
Lokah Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu
May all beings in the world be happy.
When I met Amma in 1989, I didn’t know anything about Eastern spirituality and I had never heard of Sanskrit. Months later, I attended a one or two day workshop focused on learning the sounds of the Sanskrit letters. I have no memory of where I heard about the workshop or why I went. I do remember one other Amma devotee there, so maybe he invited me to go, or perhaps a group of devotees attended. Many of the bhajans (devotional songs) Amma sings are in Sanskrit so it may be I wanted to learn to pronounce the words of the songs correctly.
The workshop leader, Vyaas Houston, taught us the sounds of the letters through music; i.e. we sang the alphabet! He told us that by the end of the workshop few, if any, of us would be able to sing the whole piece by ourselves, but as a group we would sing it well. He was right. I thought it was a powerful display of the power of group process.
My writing the first two paragraphs of this post brought back another memory of that time. In the first weeks after I met Amma, I bought a cassette tape at East-West Bookstore. It was called Jai Ma. When I played the tape the first time, I had an experience that astounded me. As I listened to one song, I burst into tears. During the next song, my body flooded with joy. Yet another tune filled me with peace. How could that be? After all, the songs were in Sanskrit and I had no idea what the words meant.
Later, when I told one of my co-therapists what had happened he responded, “Of course, in Sanskrit the feelings are imbedded in the sounds.” This therapist was very logical and science oriented, as opposed to being interested in spirituality, yet he said this in such a matter-of-fact way. I was intrigued, but not enough to start in-depth study of Sanskrit.
After the weekend workshop, I made flashcards to teach myself the meaning of some of the Sanskrit bhajans. I also wanted to learn Malayalam, Amma’s language, so even though the word on the flashcard above is Sanskrit, the letters are in Malayalam script. (The meaning of the word is on the other side of the card.) Over the years, I attempted to learn Malayalam several times but without a teacher it seemed impossible. I didn’t make any significant progress so eventually gave up the endeavor.
Amma has always worked to bring back India’s traditions, e.g. traditional dances, traditional music, traditional values. There was a period when Amma started encouraging the ashram residents to learn Sanskrit. I remember a time about five years ago when Amma asked some of the brahmacharinis (female monks) to stand up and speak to everyone present in Sanskrit. Amma looked so happy as she listened to them talk.
Watching Amma’s joy piqued my interest in Sanskrit again, but I knew learning on my own wouldn’t work well. In 2011 my desire began to grow. When I went to Amritapuri in November of 2011 for my annual visit to Amma’s main ashram in India, one of the first things I saw was a friend of mine, Meenamba, sitting by herself studying Sanskrit! I sat down beside her and told her I also wanted to learn. She offered to give me the books she used when she first started learning the language.
Soon thereafter, I received a group email from a devotee in Seattle named Madhavi. She was offering to teach our satsang (a group of Amma devotees) how to say and understand the Sri Lalitha Sahasranama Strotram, a spiritual text Amma asks us to chant daily. I had met Madhavi before but she was new to our satsang so I didn’t know anything about her.
Her email certainly caught my attention. I responded, commenting that learning to read the chant was not my goal; I wanted to learn spoken Sanskrit! I asked if she would be willing to correct my homework as I worked my way through the books I had been given.
Madhavi replied that she had been teaching spoken Sanskrit for seven years! She said I could learn the letters and their sounds in the class she had advertised, and that she was willing to expand the curriculum so that those of us who were interested in learning spoken Sanskrit could do so. I marveled at the synchronicity of all that was occurring. This was certainly a major turning point in my Sanskrit journey
Madhavi’s class started in February of 2012 and I have been studying Sanskrit with her ever since. That first summer I also took a Samskrita Bharati three-day intensive, and did that again in 2013 and 2014. While Madhavi’s classes focused on reading, writing, and grammar, Samsrkita Bharati’s classes focused exclusively on spoken Sanskrit. In fact, that group resists speaking any English during the summer camp and they also discourage students from taking written notes. Luckily, they were willing to relax the rules a little with me since I need some things clarified in English. But each year I attend the camp I can see my progress.
When I went India in November of 2012, I studied with Meenamba for a month. During Amma’s Seattle programs in the summer of 2013, members of Madhavi’s Sanskrit class went together to receive Amma’s blessing. In November 2013, I attended Meenamba’s Sanskrit class during my visit to Amritapuri and just before I returned to Seattle we also went as a group to be blessed by Amma. That time each of the students said a sentence in Sanskrit to her! Amma beamed.
In May of 2014, our Seattle Sanskrit class organized and performed a skit in Sanskrit for Amma. That autumn, I started attending a weekly Samskrita Bharati class as well as Madhavi’s class. All but two students in the new class were Indian. The Indian students learn so much faster than I can. That is largely due to the fact that their native languages contain a lot of Sanskrit words so vocabulary isn’t as much a problem for them as it is for me. I found that I had learned enough of the fundamentals of Sanskrit in Madhavi’s class though, so that even if I still couldn’t understand conversations in Sanskrit, I could usually understand what was being taught. I’ve had to learn to be patient with myself and be okay with what I can and cannot do. But I do see myself moving forward and that is what is most important.
Last winter, a brahmachari (male monk) was teaching a Sanskrit class when I came to Amritapuri so I attended his class. I appreciate how each of my instructors have used a different style of teaching. I have learned so much by experiencing the various styles.
As Amma’s 2015 summer tour approached, I decided I wanted to again speak to Amma in Sanskrit, but this time I wanted to say more than a solitary sentence! I had the opportunity to do that last Thursday when I attended her programs in Dallas. Speaking Sanskrit, I thanked Amma for the new satsang that recently formed in the Seattle area. I told her I was very happy there and that I was leading bhajans every week. I added that I loved studying Sanskrit and asked her to help me learn to speak it. Her smile got bigger with every sentence I uttered, which of course filled me with joy!
I believe this week has been yet another turning point on my Sanskrit journey. I think this will be the year that I will be able to build my vocabulary enough to finally be able to participate, at least to a limited degree, in Sanskrit conversations. I am excited and ready to do whatever it takes to make that happen!
Written for Dungeon Prompts: The Turning Point
When I travel around the globe, people from war-stricken countries often come to see me. Women from these areas tell me, “We wake up in the morning to the sounds of gun-fire and screaming. Our children cling to us in fear and cry; we also hold onto them and cry. It’s been so many years since we awoke to the chirping of birds.”
Let us pray that the crackle of gunfire in such places is soon replaced by the sweet sounds of chirping birds, and that the young and old alike burst into laughter instead of tears.
–Amma
Amma is leading programs in North America until July 20. She is in San Ramon, California now and then will go to Los Angeles, Santa Fe, Dallas, Atlanta, Chicago, Washington D.C., Boston, New York City and Toronto. Schedule
When I read Sreejit’s post “Dungeon Prompts: Take Me To Church” this past Thursday, I instantly knew what the nature of my response to the prompt would be. Even so, I had the sense that I shouldn’t write it then and there. Now I know why.
On Sunday evening, I attended the ordination of a friend who was becoming a Unitarian Universalist minister. She had worked towards that goal for many years. It was a day of great celebration. The ordination rituals affected me in ways that I hadn’t expected. Towards the beginning of the ceremony, there was a procession of already-ordained ministers. It reminded me of college graduations where the professors walk in, each clothed in different robes reflecting the school they had attended. I took one look at these ministers and my “being” erupted in grief. Grief of recognition, grief of longing. Was it related to past lives? Maybe. Probably. That grief came again as the group of ministers walked out of the sanctuary during the recessional.
Tapping into something beyond my understanding, but no doubt, I had been “taken to church.”
my spirit soaring
tears flowing
touched to the core
Home
During the ordination, in addition to thoroughly enjoying my friend’s experience, I was flooded with ideas for this post. Ideas continued to “come” for the rest of the night. By the next morning, I was ready to write!
Photo Credit: Wikimedia
Spirit has “taken me to church” so many times during my life.
I remember feeling embarrassed as an eight to ten year old child when my mother brought a friend to my bedroom as I was kneeling beside my bed praying. I also remember avidly reading books and watching movies about nuns in my early teen years. I had a sense I was “supposed” to become a nun, but that was not possible. I wasn’t Catholic!
When I was in tenth grade, and living in Hawaii, I went to a Billy Graham crusade and became a born again Christian. Afterwards, I joined a Youth for Christ group at my high school. I remember the group traveling together on buses, singing hour after hour. That was pure bliss for me. I felt like I was part of a family, I belonged!.
Tapping into something beyond my understanding, but no doubt, I had been “taken to church.”
my spirit soaring
heaven on earth
joy abounds
Home
At the end of that year, my father retired from the Army, and we moved to Florida. I attended a Congregational church, which was my mother’s denomination. I loved being part of the youth group. During the summer of 1965, we traveled from Florida to Washington State and back, studying The Belief’s Men Live By. I still have many memories of that summer. It was also the time I decided I would go to a Free Methodist college in Seattle.
When I arrived at the college, I was still a fairly conservative Christian, much more conservative than my Congregational friends. The college that I attended was so conservative though that over time I became very disillusioned, and for the next twenty years considered myself to be somewhere between an agnostic and an atheist.
Spirit did not leave me during those darker times though. I loved to go to the University Unitarian Church the day after Christmas to participate in a Messiah Sing-a-Long. I went every year until I started spending every Christmas season in India. Singing the Messiah was such a highlight in my life.
Tapping into something beyond my understanding, but no doubt, I had been “taken to church.”
my spirit soaring
heaven on earth
joy abounds
Home
About the same time, I started attending the Unitarian summer camp at Seabeck Conference Center. My children and I participated in that camp every summer for thirteen years. There I had the opportunity to be with a group that was like an extended family, where there were plenty of hugs, lots of rest, and fun, and children were cared for by all of the attendees. Crossing the bridge into the conference center was like traveling to another world. My whole body would relax and I could breathe fully. I considered Seabeck to be my home in the universe for many years. In fact, I still consider it to be one of my homes.
Tapping into something beyond my understanding, but no doubt, I had been “taken to church.”
my spirit soaring
heaven on earth
my soul is at rest
Home
I was still quite negative about anything spiritual. I reached a point when even hearing the word God made me feel sick to my stomach. That changed the night I went to Amma’s Seattle program in 1989. In the months prior to that event, spiritual people started showing up in my life, much to my dismay. In fact, it was one of them who had invited me to go to Amma’s program. My internal response to her was “NO” but “YES” came out of my mouth. When the day arrived, I walked into the room after the program had already started. As Amma and the Swamis (monks) began to sing, I burst into tears. My tears lasted throughout the night and I entered into deep meditational states. What was happening to me? My friend had told me that she thought I would like it once I adjusted to the cultural differences. What cultural differences? I had never had any contact with Eastern spirituality yet I felt completely at home.
Tapping into something beyond my understanding, but no doubt, I had been “taken to church.”
my spirit soaring
tears flowing
touched to the core
Home
I went back to Amma’s program the next night, and to part of her retreat on Orcus Island the following weekend. Six weeks later, I attended her retreat in New Hampshire and six months after that took my first trip to India. Being an Amma devotee has been the center of my life, and the life of my children, ever since.
One of the first changes I noticed after I met Amma was that I was able to separate my love for Christ from my anger at the Christian church. In time, even my anger at the church decreased. After all we are all human and are doing the best we can on this life’s journey. My spiritual life once again became my major focus.
Being with Amma, however, had opened a part of me that I didn’t know existed, a part that contained so much grief. I was still experiencing deep, and often spontaneous, trance states. At times, I felt as if some part of me was at a party that the conscious part of me was not invited to. Although I was very curious about that, I sensed it was a protective mechanism. If I was experiencing this much grief without knowing what was happening, what would I be feeling if I knew. I believed I was experiencing the grief of longing, longing for union with God. When I was with Amma I usually felt a sense of peace and fullness. But when I was away, my separation grief flared.
Through grace, Spirit led me to many places and situations that made the time away from Amma more comfortable. They often were areas where left brained, reserved Carol Poole (my name before I asked and received a name from Amma in 1990) would never have considered going.
Each of these experiences tapped into something beyond my understanding, but no doubt, I had been “taken to church.”
my spirit soaring
heaven on earth
joy abounds
Home
There have been many special times on this spiritual journey of mine but these events have been some of the highlights. The path has taken me one place and then another. What stays consistent throughout is Amma. My journey with her has been the center of my life since 1989, and probably for lifetimes before this one. While Spirit has led me in many directions, the place where I feel most at Home is when I am enveloped in Amma’s arms.
my spirit soaring
heaven on earth
my soul at rest
Home
Written for Dungeon Prompts: Take Me to Church and Weekly Photo Challenge: Enveloped
Amma’s North American Summer Tour begins in Washington State on May 30. To see her entire tour schedule click here
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