Living With Traumatic Brain Injury

Wayne Carter, a longtime friend of mine, sent this letter to many of his friends last November. It was the first time he had written a public letter about his experience with traumatic brain injury. I thought it was a powerful glimpse of his life asked if I could share it on my blog. He responded this week:

Yes, YES! You can share this in your blog. It took me a while to deal with my own issues of being known. The fear, the what if’s, but I have gotten past enough of that now. Yes, you can use my name also. I continue to journal and will share some other times in my life related to TBI [Traumatic Brain Injury] when I feel it is the time to do so.

Here is Wayne’s letter:

“For those of you that do not know, on November 8, 2013, I was in a motor vehicle accident and I received a brain injury as a gift of that learning experience. One of the things I lost was the screen in my head that I used to recall things, yes, I lost my memory, kind of like the movie, the 50 first dates. I can watch the Seahawks game, and not know what the final score was, or what plays were made, and by whom.

I was released to drive in September, but if I start reading a billboard or looking around, I forget I am driving, so I cannot look around much when I am driving. I cannot remember what I gave or received as gifts from people for birthdays, or Christmas. I often have trouble recognizing people I know, such as my 5 year old nephew who wanted a hug from me at his birthday party and I did not know who he was.

I am quite a bit slower in life than I was before. I was running a construction company, a counseling and coaching business, and in a PhD. program to become a neuropsychologist. Today, I can read about 6 pages of a Chicken Soup for the Soul, or make a meal, remember to feed Hunter [my dog], or call one place a day to line up support, and then my brain is tired, the world becomes foggy, and I forget more and more and I need a nap. As an example, a few days ago, I was in my house, I came out of a room into the hall and could not figure out where I was, oops not really that scary anymore as it has happened multiple times since the accident, I know I will be ok, just stop moving.

I am starting to reach out to others again, wanting to hangout and the shame I carry is powerful. I sometimes wonder why me, what will life look like in the future, how will I pay my bills, where will I live, or what will I eat. Today, when I go to the store it is often overwhelming, there are too many people and options of soups, making up my mind is difficult, and comparing items is even worse.

I spent 9 months working with Harborview’s TBI clinic, and with other providers to get me to this place of being able to write this without thinking it was whining, to have notes and schedules in place to support me, and to pace my life in a way based on how my mind/body/spirit feels, rather than I can do all this, I am superman.

Yes, some days I feel very sad, a few days, very MAD, and some days I have pity parties galore. Then I put on my big boy pants and think of the things I am grateful for, think of what can I do right now, what do I need right now, often, that is just be, be amazed at the beauty of the world, the breathe of life, the love available inside of me, that I can share.

Here is my favorite TBI difficulty. I think I am hungry, so I either make lunch and eat it, or I put the food in the pot and forget to turn on the burner and wonder in hour or so, why am I so hungry, or I make lunch, then think, I am hungry, so I go make another lunch, and then I think, I am hungry, so I make a third lunch. Makes sense to me…. That has only happened a few times, but it is funny to me when I realize what I have done.”

Respectully,

Wayne D. Carter

Wayne, thank you for sharing your story with us. You have always been an inspiration and a role model and you continue to be. Karuna

Mahatma Gandhi Quote

Mohandas_K._Gandhi,_portrait — Photo Credit: Wikimedia

My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.

The Fog

The 5th Writing 201: Poetry assignment was to write an elegy; a first-person poem on themes of longing, loss, and mourning. The word prompt was “fog.” My poem is very rough, because I definitely don’t know what I am doing on this one!

I chose to write about my experience with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome during the 1980’s. While the poem itself is unskilled, I believe there will probably be numerous readers who will relate to my experience.

The Fog

Five years living in the fog
Everything is slow; can’t think, can’t do.
Exhaustion never ends.
Plan after plan put on hold.
Dreading to go to bed at night
Can’t face yet another dawn.
Walking to the kitchen to make some food?
Not worth it… why try?
Heavy
Heavy
Heavy
Five years later, fog is lifting
Good days, bad days, but it’s shifting.
Will it end? Will it return?
Dare I hope?
May I hope?
Hope?

Wordless Wednesday

The Development of Trust (Acrostic)

Day 3’s assignment for Writing 201: Poetry is to write a poem about trust, using the form of an acrostic.

An acrostic is any poem in which the first (or last) letters of each line combine to spell out a word or a phrase, or follow the order of the alphabet.

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Here is the result of my effort!

Blind faith does not the basis for true trust make,

Experience after experience is what it will take.

Seeing- hearing, being-doing,

Time, effort and discrimination are a must.

Intuition’s a factor, but inner silence may lead to “knowing” robust.

Let go of the need for perfection, that’s not the aim;

Live, learn, let go, and allow the other to do the same.

*****

The act of writing this poem was an experience in and of itself. I focused on letting go and letting the words emerge rather than trying to force them. When I came to close to finishing it, I was bothered by a couple of lines and wondered if they would be misunderstood. My eyes were then drawn to the line “Let go of the need for perfection, that’s not the aim.” I reminded myself this is my third poem. No one else will expect perfection from me, and I shouldn’t expect it from myself.

Over the next hour or so I tweaked a couple of words. Soon thereafter, I realized the entire poem could be seen as a message to me. I will learn to trust in my ability to write poetry as I continue to write poems!

*****

Wayne Muller Quotes: Being Special in Importance and/or Woundedness

Wayne Muller

Grandiosity and Importance

“As we grew, we began to feel responsible for how everything around us turned out– the happiness and suffering of our parents, our spouses, our friends, our colleagues and our children. One of the reasons we learned to judge ourselves so mercilessly is that we held ourselves to a much higher standard than the rest of humanity. Others were allowed to fail, to falter, to seek the help of others; we, on the other hand, were required to do it all perfectly, by ourselves, without a mistake, without the aid of anyone else.” Continue reading “Wayne Muller Quotes: Being Special in Importance and/or Woundedness” →

Burning Down the House

One of the first things I saw this morning was the Word Press Daily Prompt entitled Burning Down the House.

The writing directions were:

Your home is on fire. Grab five items (assume all people and animals are safe). What did you grab?

Five items instantly popped into my head. I’ve continued to ponder that question throughout the day and my answer has not changed. Even though I believe I could walk away from any of my belongings, these are the five that came to mind.

New Laptop

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Photo Credit: Wikimedia

Samsung Galaxy S3

I couldn’t take my own picture of this since my camera is on the phone!

*****

#3 and #4

Years ago I made each of my children an album containing pictures from throughout their life. They both live in India now and the albums would not fare well in the heat there so I am storing them at my house in Seattle.

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Headband from my hippie days!

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Lessons are for Learning

I was debating whether I would title this post “Lessons are for Learning” or “Look for the Good in Everything.” Both statements are true and they both fit the situation that I am about to describe. My thought was to use the first one that came to me, i.e. “Lessons are for Learning” but I decided instead to accept that “I Will Know When I Know.” I would decide on the title after I write the post!

As many of you know, I had been really looking forward to last Sunday’s divisional championship game between the Seahawks and the Packers. I was planning to watch it with my ex-husband Al. Due to jet lag, I only slept two hours Saturday night and attended a Sanskrit class Sunday morning. The game was at noon so I was going from the class to Al’s, with no time for a nap.

A variety of things had happened that day that triggered me and being so exhausted I was not at my best, to say the least. To top it off, on the way to Al’s apartment, I realized that he lived so close to the stadium that there was no way in the world I was going to be able to find a parking place. By then I was in a really bad mood, especially since it was raining and I did not have an umbrella or an appropriate coat in the car.

After dropping food off at Al’s apartment, I drove to a light rail station located about 4 miles from the International District where he lives. I parked the car and boarded the train. As I was walking back to the apartment, after having disembarked from the train, I noticed the strangest sound. It was loud and it sounded a bit like freeway traffic, but that wasn’t right either. What was it? Could the sound be the crowd cheering in the stadium? Unbelievably, it was!

By the time I made it back to the apartment, my bad mood had shifted and I was eager to watch the game with him. As the Seahawks made error after error, however, my excitement withered.

I knew that taking the light rail home was going to be a very overwhelming experience. Tens of thousands of fans descending on that station when I was so exhausted would be incredibly difficult. Al and I agreed that if the game ever got to the point where it couldn’t be salvaged, I would leave. When the Seahawk’s pass was intercepted with less than four minutes on the game clock, and a score of Packers 19 – Seahawks 7, l decided that time had come.

I left feeling fine about my decision. When a few minutes later I had the opportunity to give money to a panhandler, which is something that has been difficult for me in the past (Judgment or Compassion), I was even more confident that my choice had been correct.

Seconds later, there was loud cheering from the stadium followed by fireworks. What was going on? Al called me and Whats App texts started flying between my son Sreejit, who lives in India, and me. The Seahawks had scored a touchdown!

Soon I reached the light rail tunnel. In less than a minute’s time, the Seahawks recovered an onside kick and scored another touchdown, followed by a two point conversion, the combination of which put them ahead by a field goal. (I can’t believe I’m saying all of this, and even have a bit of a clue what I am talking about. Me, who until last year had NO interest in football!)

The tunnel was filled with fans who, like me, had left early. They were following the game on their phones and when the news that we were winning came through, the whole place erupted with cheers. I felt so much a part of this community experience.

With 14 seconds left, the Packers kicked a field goal that tied the game and sent it into overtime. The game was still going on when I reached my station. The elevator that took me from the tunnel to the surface street was full of people who had left the stadium early. One man said “I’m not here. If anyone asks, I’m still at the game. What happens in this elevator stays in this elevator.” Everyone laughed, and once again I had an experience of community.

I walked to my car and listened to the game as I drove home. Between the time I got out of my car and the time I turned on the television, the Seahawks had scored yet another touchdown and we had won. We were going to the Super Bowl for the second year in a row! And instead of facing tens of thousands of people in the light rail station, I was already in the quiet of my home. All was well.

Over the next few days there were times when I felt sad that I had missed all the excitement, but at the same time I knew I hadn’t; I had just experienced it in a different form. And I watched the game highlights that day, and in the days that followed, so that I could actually see what had happened.

Embed from Getty Images

I felt a nick of sadness again when I received pictures from friends who had been together when the big moments came.

But while I hadn’t been with Al, Sreejit or friends in those moments, I was definitely not alone. I was with Al and Sreejit via media and had had Seahawks fans all around me. I had felt connected and a part of all the excitement. It was just in a different way than I had expected.

I feel thankful for all that I experienced. As I reviewed the day in writing this post, I saw that I had an opportunity to work on the following lessons:

Lessons are for Learning
Look for the good in all situations
Be here now
Be willing to let go of plans
Let go of expectations
Lighten Up
There are no accidents
Don’t overthink
Learn from my mistakes.
What I (or others) think are mistakes may not be
Community comes in many forms
I belong
Choices are not good or bad.
I can learn from any choice I make
I will know when I know
What is right for one person may not be right for everyone else
Be compassionate and kind with yourself and others.
Never say never

So what will the name of this post be? I will go with “Lessons are for Learning.” And while I know it is important to never say never, I think it is safe to say I will never intentionally leave a Seahawks game less than four minutes before it is over, no matter how far behind they are!

Adventures in Amritapuri, India 2014-2015 : Index

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Each year, I spend six weeks in Amma’s ashram in South Kerala, India. Amma (Mata Amritanandamayi), who is sometimes referred to as The Hugging Saint since she has hugged 33 million people worldwide, is also known for her extensive networks of humanitarian projects called Embracing the World.

My last trip to Amritapuri was from November 30, 2014 to January 9, 2015. For the first time, I shared my experiences there through this blog. Afterwards, numerous people told me that the posts made them feel like they were taking the journey with me.

I decided to create this index of posts in case anyone else wants to accompany me vicariously on that journey. Enjoy!

My Journey Back to Seattle (Jan 2015)

Photo Credit: Wikimedia

My taxi was scheduled to leave Amritapuri at 5 a.m. on January 9th. Around 9 p.m. on the 8th I was informed that it had been moved to 4:30 a.m. There would be no time for being idle that morning!

In the past, my itinerary has been to take a 11 p.m. taxi to Trivandrum for a 4:30 a.m. flight to Dubai. That flight is 4 ½ hours. The Dubai layover is two hours and then the flight to Seattle is another 14 ½ hours. Traveling that way means I miss a night’s sleep before I even leave India, and another night’s sleep on the flights (I do not sleep much on airplanes.) As I get older, I have had increasing trouble with jet lag. India is 13 1/2 hours ahead of Seattle so their day is our night and vice versa. The last few years it has been weeks before I adjusted.

I decided to significantly change my itinerary this year. With the new plan, I would leave the ashram at 4:30 a.m. after getting a reasonable amount of sleep. The flight left Trivandrum at 10 in the morning. Once in Dubai, I had a 21 hour layover. Even though it was expensive I had reserved a room at the airport hotel so spent the time resting or sleeping. I hoped it would make my adjustment to Seattle easier, and even if it didn’t it felt a lot better to get significant amount of rest before the long flight. The flight to Seattle was scheduled for 9 a.m. so I missed no night’s sleep before taking the final leg of my journey.

Dubai airport

The bottom floor of the Dubai airport consists of miles of duty free shops. It is loud and has very bright light. The second floor seems to be primarily a business travelers facilities although I only looked down into it so don’t know for sure. The hotel was on the third floor and was absolutely silent. What a respite from the over-stimulation below!

I had an experience there that will probably amuse some of you and make others shake your head wondering what is wrong with me.

When I entered my hotel room, I found this in the bathroom!

What in the world was that in on the left? I had never seen anything like it. Was it some kind of men’s urinal? It was a mystery to me. I kept looking at it and soon realized it had no flush so it couldn’t be a urinal. Still later, I realized it had a spout and handle that released cold and hot water, as well as a stopper and drain like a sink. A sink like that in the bathroom? I didn’t get it.

I took this picture and sent it to some other Americans and they didn’t know what it was either. I had fantasies of what people who didn’t know what it was for would do with it, and some of those fantasies were pretty gross.

Later in the day I decided to write a friend who is a world traveler. She immediately responded that it was a bidet. A bidet? I knew what that was and have even used them. But they have always been hoses and/or spray. There was no hose and no spray. It was just like a sink. Sitting in something like that after using the toilet still seemed really gross so I didn’t go near it!

When I returned to Seattle, I searched on the internet until I found a Wikipedia article about bidets. The picture on the article was this same type of bidet.

Bidets can be found in some countries in the Americas, especially in South America, and are a standard feature of homes in Argentina, Paraguay, and Uruguay. They are common in Arabic countries[citation needed] in the Middle East, such as Iraq, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, the UAE, and in the Maghreb, especially Egypt and Morocco. Much of East Asia, particularly Japan, Bangladesh, Thailand, Vietnam, and South Korea, use bidets as well.

I also learned that you use toilet paper before you sit in this kind of bidet. I am still left with the question “Why?” but at least it all makes sense, and was a pretty funny experience. What can I say, I’m an American!

I had other interesting experiences during my layover. There was an information station that had a cut out of a man. When he answered questions, his mouth moved. It looked like it was a real man who was actually talking. And stranger yet, when you walked by it looked like his head and eyes follow you as he talked. How did they do that? Was it some kind of hologram? I never really investigated it but I watched it every time I passed by.

After twenty-five years of going to India I am used to being in large groups of women wearing colorful saris and men wearing dhotis. There is a large Muslim population in the part of Seattle where I live so I am also used to seeing women dressed in long black robes (abaya) and/or the Muslim headscarves (hijab). There are even many Muslim women in Seattle who wear the burqa, a cloak that reveals only the women’s eyes.

It, of course, was no surprise to me that there were many more people in this kind of attire at the Dubai airport. Some of the women’s burqa had slits that were smaller than I was used to seeing, but there were considerable numbers of women who wore less restrictive clothing as well. Many of the men wore full length white robes (thobe) and a headress (keffiyeh).

At one point, I saw what I believed to be a Muslim mother and her teenaged daughter. The mother was in the black abaya although I don’t think she wore a headscarf. The teenager was wearing the kind of western blue jeans that contain more holes than cloth. I sure would love to know their story!

As some of you will remember, on the way to India I had been given an upgrade to business class. What a boon that turned out to be. I had hoped some miracle would happen and I would be give that opportunity again but it was not to be. The plane left at 9:30 a.m. and arrived in Seattle 14 hours later. Staying the night in Dubai made it easier, but it was still an exhausting trip.

Malidoma

Many years ago I read a book titled Of Water and the Spirit by an African shaman named Malidoma. He lived in the United States but returned to Africa each year “to learn from his elders and detox from Western civilization.” I resonated with that statement and have never forgotten it.

I have the same feeling when I am in India. Sweating from the heat even feels like detoxification. Sometimes it seems like all of my cells are being cleaned out and restructured…. or maybe a better word would be renewed. I rest at a level in India that happens nowhere else. I sense even my soul is at rest. One morning on this trip I awoke to find my earplugs in my hands and my covers off. I realized I had fallen asleep before I even covered myself (normally I have a sheet, a light blanket and a shawl over me since I use a fan at night.)

When I return to Seattle I find I have more respect and appreciation for my life in the U.S. as well as increased respect and appreciation for my life in India. I am better able to be content anywhere. While Amma’s body is not in the U.S. except when she comes here for the North American tours, I feel her presence no matter where I am.

Seahawks

Those of you who have followed my blog for awhile or who know me from Seattle, know that a very strange thing happened to me last year. When Seattle went crazy for our Seahawks football team I went crazy along with everyone else! I have never had the slightest interest in football, but something inside of me changed. I know in part it is because of the incredible sense of community that has developed in the city because of this team. (Opportunity for Community May Come When You Least Expect It)

When I read about their coach’s values and the way he treats his players and expects them to treat each other, I received another level of understanding about why I felt drawn to them. He even had them meditating and doing yoga! Last year after they won the SuperBowl there was a victory parade. 700,000 people stood for hours in 20 degree weather to participate. I was one of them!

While I was in India I still followed the games. It seemed no accident that the first playoff game started only a few hours after I returned to Seattle. Knowing I would be able to watch the playoffs made it easier for me to leave India and come back to my Seattle home! I still shake my head incredulously when I hear myself talking this way about football. You never know where life’s journey will take you!

As I end this year’s trip to Amritapuri:

I know I will miss:

Being with Sreejit, Chaitanya and Akshay
Being with Amma
Being with my other Amritapuri friends
Evening bhajans
Living in community
The warm weather (but not the hot)
The simplicity of living in one room with minimal belongings
The beautiful views of nature
The deep sense of rest and deep sleep
The accelerated level of synchronicities, blissful moments and lessons

In Seattle I am looking forward to:

Being and working with the colleagues and clients in my therapy community
Being with my friends in the Pacific Northwest Amma community
Leading bhajans at satsang
The potentially mild winter (it is 50 F this week!)
Watching the Seahawks play and being part of that Seattle community
Being in my comfortable house
Warm showers
Watching my worms
Sleeping in my bed
Working in my garden
Getting beyond the jet lag and being able to sleep
Blogging!

With this post, my report of this year’s journey to Amritapuri is complete. I appreciate those of you who have been interested enough to take part or all of the journey with me. I feel abundantly blessed