Family (Echo Poem)

On Thursday, Sreejit announced that this week’s Dungeon Prompt will be the last of the year due to his upcoming Walking with Intention event. He proposed that we write about Family.

Around the same time I read an echo poem written by Oliana on Traces of the Soul. I decided to see if I could create a poem using that style.

Oliana stated that in an echo poem “the last syllable or two of a main line is repeated, perhaps with different spelling or meaning, as if an echo; usually this echo will be indented to a point under or beyond the syllable it mimics and will function as an independent line of one or two syllables.”

Here is my beginner’s attempt!

FAMILY

left home at seventeen, did not look back
unpack
life unfolds- study, marry, children arrive
strive
challenges occur- divorce and illness
suppress
families of choice materialize
ties
ancient wounds healing, become whole again
when
belonging and connection do abound
love found

Becoming Me in 111 Words

Army brat in a critical household

My heart full of anger

Alone and lonely

Why bother?

Conservative college student, trapped again

Rebel by school’s end

Discovering new worlds

Finding life!

Migrant farm laborer

From Florida to Washington State

Seeing racism up close

Ready to make a difference.

Married Al and had two beautiful babies

– was unprepared and overwhelmed,

divorce and chronic fatigue left me

feeling empty, alone, beaten down.

Enter Jean, Elaine and Pam

Learned to parent myself and my children

Mentors’ teachings will last forever

I am whole.

Enter Amma

In her music I find Joy

In her arms I find Home

In her mission I find Purpose.

Written for Dungeon Prompts: Becoming You in 111 Words

Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone

These were the instructions for this week’s Dungeon Prompt:

This week, let’s step out of our blogging boxes and shake things up. If you normally write poetry try writing prose. Or if you normally write freestyle poetry, try writing a sonnet. If you normally write in the first person, write in the third person instead. If you normally write about other people, write about yourself. If you normally write a hundred words, try writing eight hundred. If you normally write over a thousand words, try writing a haiku (without a thousand words of explanation).

I had no doubt which form of writing is out of my comfort zone; it is writing poetry. I thought about it for a short time and then concluded that this might be the week that I didn’t participate in Dungeon Prompts. When I shared that conclusion with my blogging friend Cheryl-Lynn at Traces of the Soul, she suggested I write a Tanka. Continue reading “Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone” →

Live to Work or Work to Live?

“If you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.”

~Marc Anthony

While there are days when I am tired or discouraged that I may think that I work in order to be able to buy the things I need to live, I know that isn’t really true. I have no doubt that I live to work. I have been a psychotherapist since 1987. My primary modality is group therapy based on a developmental model that includes the concept of “inner children.” I believe that one of the most important elements in healing is for clients to learn how to parent those vulnerable “children” inside of themselves.

Most people start therapy because they are depressed and/or anxious. They may have learned to cover their pain with addictive behaviors such over-working, over-thinking, eating disorders or substance abuse. They frequently have trouble in relationships and often feel alone and lonely. Past traumas may cause them to experience flashbacks. They often have poor self esteem and think they are unworthy and will never be good enough. They may be very critical of themselves and others.

Continue reading “Live to Work or Work to Live?” →

“I will be responsible and accountable for my feelings, thoughts, actions and attitudes.”

Accountability — Photo Credit: Fritz Reitz

When a friend showed me a picture of this rock, I thought of a one of the self care contracts* that I use in my personal life and with my psychotherapy clients. That contract is “I am responsible and accountable for my thoughts, feelings, actions and attitudes.”

It is not uncommon to hear people in our society make comments such as, “You hurt my feelings.” and “You made me do that.” You…..you….you….you. When we get into the “you’s” we are more than likely not being responsible and accountable for our own feelings, thoughts, actions and attitudes. Using that way of speaking increases the chances we will immerse ourselves in victim thinking and as a result experience a sense of powerlessness.

I’m not saying that people who are nasty and viscous in their words and actions should not be responsible for what they say and do. Continue reading ““I will be responsible and accountable for my feelings, thoughts, actions and attitudes.”” →

My Journey Towards Humility

“A true genius admits that he/she knows nothing.” Albert Einstein

“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.” Mahatma Gandhi

“I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn’t agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.” An Anonymous Abbess

“Acting with humility does not in any way deny our own self-worth. Rather it affirms the inherent worth of all persons. Some would consider humility to be a psychological malady that interferes with “success.” However, wealth, power or status gained at the expense of others brings only anxiety- never peace and love.” Commentary on Christian Bible Reference Site

Humility, among other things, is the absence of arrogance. One of the ways I am most likely to be arrogant is to hold on to a belief that I am right and others are wrong. I may verbalize my opinion and then stay silent, but internally I am very likely to be holding on to my rightness.

Two situations from the past come to mind when I think of ways I’ve worked on this issue: Continue reading “My Journey Towards Humility” →

Be Careful What You Wish For

Mevlevi_Dervishes_Perform..._(469777809) — Photo Credit: Wikimedia

In the late 80’s and early 90’s there was a period of several years when I had a series of mystical experiences. Even though they may have been frightening at times, they were also fascinating and exciting. A whole new world was opening up for me, one that was very different from my normal logical left brain way of being in the world.

Back then, I would frequently enter spontaneous trance states, i.e. altered states of consciousness. I remember once sensing that part of me was at a party, one that the rest of me wasn’t allowed to go to. At the time, I believed that the pain of leaving that “party” would have been so tremendous that my not being allowed to go there completely was my unconscious mind’s way of protecting me from having to feel so much grief. Continue reading “Be Careful What You Wish For” →

Finding Happiness

Yesterday, I discovered a blog created by a fifteen-year-old Finnish girl (This Girl’s Bucket List).) She is signing her posts as “ThisGirl” so that is how I will refer to her.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading the pieces ThisGirl had written. When I woke up this morning I noticed she had published a new post, so headed to her blog to see what she had to say.

In the new post, ThisGirl described the guest speaker who talked to students at her school yesterday. The speaker’s name was Marja Korhonen and she “talked” by looking at a board with letters. A helper then voiced Marja’s message. ThisGirl ended her post with the trailer for Marja’s book.

As I watched the short video, tears started running down my face. Nine hours later, I re-watched it and had the same reaction. Once again, I have been presented with a person whose willingness to live life fully inspires me, profoundly inspires me. A person who teaches me that my life will be of value regardless of the circumstances. One who by example lets me know that it is possible for me to be happy no matter what challenges come my way. As I age, I find I need that reminder more often than ever.

I will leave you with the same video. Be sure to turn on the subtitles by clicking on the CC at the bottom, unless you speak Finnish that is!

Written for Dungeon Prompts: Getting to Our Happy Place

That “Now I Get It” Moment

I graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree in 1970, followed by a Master of Nursing in 1974. After receiving my Master’s degree, I taught undergraduate nursing students at the University of Washington for five years. I enjoyed teaching, conducting research and writing for publication, all requirements of my Assistant Professor position. After teaching there for five years, I decided to take a job as a Maternal-Newborn Clinical Specialist at Swedish Hospital Medical Center in Seattle.

To progress along a tenure track at the University of Washington, I would have had to earn a PhD. At some point in the early 80’s, I decided to start working on the PhD. I don’t remember what my reasoning was at the time, but I imagine it was to keep my options open. Afterall, I might want to teach at the University again someday. I continued to work at Swedish Hospital part time as I started the PhD program coursework. I don’t remember what the degree was called in those days but I know that it focused on nursing research and that I chose a track that had a special emphasis in statistics.

At some point during those years, I also started my personal therapy. I loved that process. It helped me move through the pain of my early years and I was able to make good friends and connect in a way I hadn’t in the past. One day, I had an insight that hit me like a sledge hammer. Even though I was doing very well in my studies, I realized I didn’t want a PhD and I didn’t want nursing research to be my life’s work.

In that moment, I realized I was studying for the degree in hopes that my father would acknowledge my existence if I had a PhD. My education had always been important to him and some of my earliest memories were of me asking him to make up math problems I could work on.

While I don’t think we were ever close, our relationship became even more strained as I moved into my teen and young adult years. We had battles when I came home from college during summer vacations, usually over civil rights issues. During one of those altercations, he told me to get out of the house. My mother intervened so I didn’t actually move out. The last straw came in 1971 when I told him I was going to marry Al, an African-American man I had met in Seattle. Simply by my having made that statement, he declared that he would not speak to me again, and he didn’t. My father died in 1999 without ever having said a word to me or my children.

Realizing that my PhD study was so tied to a child-like yearning for my father’s approval ended my interest in the degree. I was loving my psychotherapy experience and in time it became my passion. I did what it took to get the credentialing to become a nurse psychotherapist (Clinical Nurse Specialist in Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing) and I’ve been doing that work ever since.

I see the moment when I recognized the tie between my PhD program and the unfinished business from my past as one of those life changing moments, one that propelled me into work that I felt passionate about and believe I was born to do.

Written for Dungeon Prompts: That Now I Get It Moment

Being the Hands of the Divine

When I read the Dungeon Prompts: Our Magic Powers writing challenge for the week I was perplexed. The prompt was:

We are all gifted with certain magical powers. We may not have fully harnessed them, or we may rebel against the powers we’ve been given, but we know that they are there. The power may be so potent that we are scared to use it, or we may have come to terms and learned the intricacies of it. We may have used them for evil or for good, but when we think that we can go unnoticed, we have surely tested them out.

Magical powers go beyond a talent for something. It involves bending reality to your will. When your will comes in tune with the cosmic will you may notice your powers flow like a raging river. Whether you hide it or not, you know that it’s there. So this week, tell us about your magical powers.

To me, the magic in life is the work of the Divine, whether it be a seed turning into a beautiful flower or the wondrous nature of all life forms. All the synchronicities that occur in my life feel like a Divine play. I will never forget my last trip to India when I was told I would be upgraded to Business Class if I was willing to sit in a seat where the video didn’t work. Soon I discovered that the man sitting next to me, who was also gifted with an upgrade, was a Sanskrit student and teacher. In fact, he was teaching from the identical Sanskrit textbook that I was struggling with at the time. He had even gone to the same Sanskrit camp I had attended the previous summer! To me that whole scenario felt like magic, but I believe it was actually a gift from the Divine.

I see all of us as instruments of the Divine, tasked with being His/Her hands. When we do that work it may seem like magic to others, or even to ourselves. So in that spirit, what kind of magic is it that I do?

I thought back to my 65^th birthday when a small group of friends celebrated that milestone with me. At one point in the evening, they talked about me. It was like being a witness to one’s own memorial service. I was amazed at what they said about me and the impact they believed I have had on their lives. I also thought about things other people have said about me in the past and to a post (When They Think of Me….) I wrote last year after having asked friends what objects they thought of when they thought of me. At that time, one person responded:

Well, my first thought of you is your abundant beautiful hair, but that’s not an object. When I just stopped for a moment and visualized you, I immediately saw you with a tool in your hand. The tool could be anything – a garden trowel, a spatula, a pen, a hammer, a paint brush, a computer, one of those long grips for picking up litter – but you very much (my impression anyway) – interact with the world and use many kinds of tools. So it would be Karuna, Jill-of-all-trades, with a tool.

I believe the following may be seen as my magic:

Sometimes my psychotherapy clients think that I must be able to see right through them, or read their minds.
The craft projects I do such as making tiny dolls, crocheting, knitting, quilting, etc.
Creating and inspiring others to join in new projects, such as the PNW Litter Project and the PNW GreenFriends Newsletter.
The amount of energy I have and what I accomplish with it.
My use of words in the books I have written and on my blog.

To me though, that isn’t magic. All of it happens when I am “in the flow” and willing to be used as an instrument, i.e. being the hands, of the Divine. May I continue to live in this manner until the end of my days.