Keep Loving by Nimo Patel

When I checked my email inbox this morning, I found an email from Nimo Patel of Empty Hands Music. I heard him sing in Atlanta in August of 2015. I was very impressed by his music at the time, and once I learned more about him, I was even more impressed. In his email message, he offered words of wisdom and a video.

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Dear Family and Friends of Empty Hands Music,

In this moment when many of us our unhappy, saddened and hurt by the decision we may have made, as a country, to select such a leader, is also the same moment we can take to use that energy for positive change. We vote for this type of leader every 4 years in America. But, really, everyday we have a chance to vote. Everyday we can vote by using less of earth’s resources to help fight global warming. Everyday we can vote by treating our women with the deepest unconditional love and respect. Everyday we can vote by treating all our brothers and sisters in our country and in the world, with genuine appreciation and gratitude for all the beauty and diversity we bring to each other. Every moment, in every day of our life is a seed being planted, is a vote being made. Lets move forward now voting each day through our actions, thoughts and heart. Through whatever darkness we perceive, lets try to shine light. May we all KEEP LOVING! Hope you can enjoy this Music Video during this moment in time. Love you ALL. We will move forward together now. But we all just need to focus on doing our part. Making our daily votes count. Love Love Love.

Blessings to you and sending lots of love!
-nimo and the Empty Hands family.

To learn more about Nimo and Empty Hands Music click here.
To download the free Empty Hands album click here.

Daily Prompt: Banned

When I saw yesterday’s Daily Prompt was “Banned”, a memory came to my mind. Before I share what I recalled, let me give some back history.

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When my son Sreejit was a teenager he was into heavy metal rock music; he listened to it, played it on his guitar, and sang it. He wore black clothes most of the time. He even asked me to go to a couple of heavy metal concerts with him. It took some persuasion on his part, but I did go to hear LA Guns and Alice in Chains.

I drew a limit though when he decided he wanted a tattoo. There was no way I was going to support him in doing something that would permanently alter his body.

As I think about it today, I realize it was a good example of setting structure as a parent. As defined by Jean Illsley Clarke, there are four kinds of structure; rigid structure, non-negotiable rules, negotiable rules, and abandonment (no structure). Rigid structure and abandonment are forms of unhealthy structure; non-negotiable rules and negotiable rules are healthy. Non-negotiable rules should be based on safety of the child and/or family values. For me, no tattoo was a non-negotiable rule, it was banned.

Fast forward to 2013. Sreejit was visiting Seattle for the first time in several years. (He lives in Amritapuri, India.) His driver’s license had expired since his last visit, so he asked me if I would take him to get a tattoo. I was happy to do that. When he got back into the car, he showed me his new bicep tattoo.

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The words are Sanskrit and they mean “Through renunciation alone is immortality attained.” It is the motto of Amma’s ashram, the place where he lives.

Later Sreejit said to me, “I was pretty surprised you were willing to drive me to get a tattoo.” “Why wouldn’t I?” I asked. “When I was a kid you were so against it.” “That’s true, but you aren’t a kid any more!” “Yeah, I figured, what am I waiting for? I’m nearly forty.”

When I reflected on this interaction, I found it interesting that disapproval or questioning his decision didn’t even occur to me. Tattoos were more common in 2013’s culture than when he was a teenager, but that aside, it was truly okay with me for him to live his own life. If his life was in danger, or I thought something he wanted to do was extremely unwise, I would say so, but as an adult living on his own, there was no place in our relationship for rules.

I love having the memory of that shared experience, and appreciate the tangible example of how our relationship has moved to one that is adult to adult….. although for part of me Sreejit will always be my baby!

Written for Daily Prompt: Banned

Reclaiming the Right to Trust

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I believe, at the core of every person, there is a part that is both trusting and trustworthy. Due to life’s traumas, however, that part may recede so deep inside that it may seem unreachable. In time, a person may even develop a belief system that says people are not to be trusted.

When people come from that framework, they are likely to see negativity, and even danger, coming from all sides. They don’t trust what others say, and look for ulterior motives. In time, they may become excessively independent. The thought of being interdependent may be unfathomable. The inability to trust often leads to anxiety and depression.

I have been a psychotherapist for almost 30 years. During those years, I have seen so many clients reclaim their right to trust. As they heal from the traumas of their past, they shift from the life stance that people are untrustworthy to an attitude that people are trustworthy unless proven otherwise.

That doesn’t mean that they start to trust without discrimination though. Once they work through their childhood and adult traumas, they stop projecting negative behaviors on everyone and will become much clearer in seeing the true “red flags” that indicate potential problems. They are more likely to surround themselves with a support system of healthy people. They will know their own weak areas and will avoid situations that are likely to pull them into unhealthy behaviors.

Reclaiming the right to trust is not an easy journey, but it is well worth the time and effort.

Written for Daily Prompt: Trust
Photo Credit: pixabay.com

Don’t Wait Until…

This post by my friend Arati makes an important point in an unusual way. Enjoy!

Dancing to the Words

To all the familiar voices expounding
I should
I have to
I gotta
I don’t have time
It’s gotta be done today
If I don’t no one else will
If I don’t do this it won’t happen…

Pause

Breathe

Watch a sunset or sunrise
through the branches of your favorite trees
or on the horizon beyond ocean
lake or desert
or reflected in the windows of tall buildings.

Have a cup of tea, herbal or black
decaf coffee, or enjoy the caffeine.
A glass of wine … or not.
Take a moment to sit
to stroll barefoot at the edge of the ocean
river or lake
in a meadow or city park.

Chill, as someone I love would say.

Don’t wait until ….

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“YOU PROMISED!”

When I hear someone use the word “promise” the psychotherapist inside of me goes on alert. The images that come to my mind are children who are in trouble saying “I promise I won’t do it again” to their parents, or parents saying “You promised you wouldn’t do that again” to their children. I also think of bickering children saying to each other, or even to their parents, “You promised!” when someone doesn’t follow through on a promise.

It is important that interactions between adults stay equal with the adult part of one interacting with the adult part of the other. Two adults interacting in a way where one is acting like a parent and the other like a child can be very disruptive to adult relationships.

I think when people of any age hear the word “promise” their minds often add the word “forever”. “Forever” doesn’t take into account that we have a right to change our minds. We may have committed to something out of fear or without having taken the time to think the situation through. Also circumstances may change. When circumstances change then our commitments may need to change.

That doesn’t mean we should just say “I will try.” I’ve been told that Alcoholic Anonymous has a saying that “Triers are liars.” Too often when people say “I will try” they are saying it to get someone off their back and have no intention of doing what the other person is asking for. In my group room, I have a Yoda pillow that says “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

I suggest people don’t make promises because to me that word in and of itself evokes a child or a parent-child response. I don’t think there is anything wrong with making commitments or agreements but it is important that those commitments be well thought out, clear and not come from an over-adaptive part of us. They should be made with an understanding that we aren’t going to be perfect and that if we decide at a later time that the commitment is not in our best interests we can look at what changes need to be made and re-negotiate it.

Post written for: Daily Prompt: Promises
Photo: Bickering Children by Bernhard Keil (1624-1687) via Wikimedia

You Are Enough Right Now

“You are enough right now, not after further, future achievements, but now, as you are.

Your wisdom is a valuable contribution to others right now, not after further study and life experience, but now, as it is.

You are worthy of respect and compassion right now, as you are, and not just because Brene Brown says so, but she does say so, and she seems like a nice person.

You are wonderfully lovable as you are right now, not at some future point when you’ve purged yourself of every human foible, but now, and not just because Mr. Rogers would say so, but you know he SO would.

You have the inalienable right to be flawed, ordinary, in your stuff, and off-track. These are fundamental to existence, and in no way subtract from any of the above.

Go forth and rock.”

by Fritz Reitz
Quote used with permission

Am I Contributing to My Living or My Dying?

In 1996, I was on an airplane that “fell” 25,000 feet in about a minute’s time. For the next two hours we did not know if we were going to live or die. Since then I have had a sense that I am living on borrowed time. I think I was supposed to die that day, but Grace prevailed. Now, I see every moment I live as a gift and remember that tomorrow is not promised. I have a strong desire to live in a way that allows me to die without regrets.

When I was a new psychotherapist, I assisted in a therapy group led by Delphine Bowers. She used to ask clients if the actions they were thinking about doing would “contribute to their living or their dying.” That question has stuck with me for almost 30 years.

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I believe I am contributing to my dying, instead of my living, when I am:

Overdoing

I am great at getting things done. There was a time in my life when I was working three jobs, going to school, and raising two children. Throughout my adult life, I have generally been unwilling to stop “doing” unless I get so sick that I can’t do otherwise.

In the last few years, I have made great strides in stopping that behavior. Still, it is not lost on me that I have back problems which have impacted my level of activity since mid-February. While 97% of the time I am resting and doing what I know I should do, I still find myself saying, “Oh it’s okay if I plant a few seedlings.” Or I do other minor garden work when I know I should be avoiding all leaning over and bending down. What will it take for me to learn this lesson? I shudder to think of the answer.

Overthinking

I used to obsess about anything I wanted to say for so long that I often lost the opportunity to say it. I also obsessed about things I did say, analyzing my words looking for errors or wondering if I had said something that made me look stupid. While I stopped those behaviors decades ago, I believe that overthinking is still the most common way I make myself miserable. And it is certainly the source of most of my stress. If I am offended by something, I may fixate on it. Worrying about the future also leads me to overthinking. The fact that I avoid mind-slowing spiritual practices, such as meditation, perpetuates the problem.

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I have long been aware of my tendency to overdo and overthink. In fact I have written about those behaviors before. (Recovering from Overdoing, Stay in the Present and Stop Thinking!) In the last month, awareness of another way I contribute to my dying has resurfaced.

Emotions such as anger, sadness and fear are meant to show us that there are problems we need to deal with. If we feel the feelings and address the issues, the emotions are likely to flow through us. If we repress them, we probably won’t solve the problems and we may become depressed, anxious or sick.

I have been conscious of the fear in my body for a long time, but I used to bury my anger so deep that I didn’t even realize it was there. Now I feel the anger at the time it is triggered. My new awareness is that I am repressing my grief.

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Stuffing Grief

When I was growing up, a frequent message from my father was, “If you are going to cry, I will give you something to cry about.” If I didn’t stop crying, I was usually spanked or sent to my bedroom. I learned it was not okay for me to express my sadness.

When I met Amma in 1989, grief began to erupt from inside of me. Generally that grief was not associated with any conscious memory. Even though I didn’t know what it was related to, I often had a sense that I was releasing the energy from traumas that had occurred earlier in my life. Sometimes I wondered if some of it was coming from other lifetimes, or if it was some form of “universal grief.” That spontaneous release of tears, which usually occurred during Amma’s programs, went on for several years. Letting them pour out felt very healing.

Then one day someone teased me about my tears. My childhood programming took over and I shut them down so fast it was mind-boggling. From time to time, something will still bring up that deep well of grief inside of me, but for the most part it is nowhere to be found.

A week or so ago, there was a moment when I felt sadness about my back pain and the resulting physical limitations. I shed a tear, or maybe two, before a firm inner voice said, “It’s good that you felt your sadness, but that is ENOUGH.” I saw that my father’s message was still operating within me. Certainly no healing can come from releasing one or two tears.

When I heard the news that Prince had died, I started crying, and I cried on and off throughout the week. The grief I felt was so deep, very similar to the level of emotion I experienced during my early years with Amma. While Prince’s “Purple Rain” album and movie, and especially the song “When Doves Cry,” was important to me in the 80’s, I hadn’t followed his career after that, other than taking my children to his 1988 Seattle concert. Even though I didn’t understand my level of emotion, I was aware that the tears I shed felt cleansing and therapeutic.

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I believe that overdoing, overthinking and stuffing my grief are the three biggest ways that I am currently contributing to my dying. I know it is important for me to continue working on these issues and to keep the “Will this action contribute to your living or your dying?” question in mind as I make day-to-day decisions as well as when I consider long term decisions, such as when to retire.

I have no way of knowing whether I will live one more day or one year, five years, ten years or more. I am committed to making the most of every moment I have left in this lifetime.

Originally Published on May 6, 2016 as part of The Seeker’s Dungeon’s On Living and Dying event.

If you’d like to be one of the guest authors, you can learn more about the event here: 365 Days On Living and Dying.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Edge 2

When I saw Kathie’s WPC Edge photo on ChosenPerspectives this morning, it reminded me of an experience of my own.

One day, when my son was a young driver, he came home and parked the car in the driveway. Even though that was a frequent occurence, this time he forgot to pull up the parking break before he got out of the car. Our driveway is on a hill so the car rolled down the driveway and over the four-foot retaining wall at the end. It stopped at a two-foot statue of Buddha.

What I remember most about this incident is that I didn’t “lose it.” It has been a parenting moment that I have felt proud of ever since. At least in my memory, I stayed very calm. I felt relieved that my son wasn’t hurt and knew he would learn from the experience. I promptly called a tow truck and had the car pulled up. I don’t believe there was even any damage to the car. I remember thanking the Buddha statue for stopping the rolling car.

I took this photo with a Polaroid camera. As I look at it now, it occurs to me that this incident may be why the trees in that area bend to the left. I’ve always thought it was because they were stretching towards a sunnier part of the yard!

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Challenge for Growth Prompts: January to March 2016

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From January to March 2016, I offered a weekly Challenge for Growth Prompt. Participants published a post that related to the weekly topic and I posted a summary of those contributions. You will find that list below.

I give thanks to everyone who contributed to the challenges, whether it was by publishing a post, by reading the posts written by others or by thinking about the challenge topics as they lived their life that week.

Everyone is still welcome to write for Challenge for Growth Prompts. If you do, I will add you to the list of contributors. You will find the full prompt list below the contributors list. The directions for participating in a prompt can be found in each of the prompt descriptions. Continue reading “Challenge for Growth Prompts: January to March 2016” →

Song Lyric Sunday: San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair)

The direction for this week’s Song Lyric Sunday is to choose a song that relates to a city, state or town. For me that city is San Francisco, and my song is San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear a Flower in Your Hair).

Continue reading “Song Lyric Sunday: San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair)” →