Finding Happiness

Yesterday, I discovered a blog created by a fifteen-year-old Finnish girl (This Girl’s Bucket List).) She is signing her posts as “ThisGirl” so that is how I will refer to her.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading the pieces ThisGirl had written. When I woke up this morning I noticed she had published a new post, so headed to her blog to see what she had to say.

In the new post, ThisGirl described the guest speaker who talked to students at her school yesterday. The speaker’s name was Marja Korhonen and she “talked” by looking at a board with letters. A helper then voiced Marja’s message. ThisGirl ended her post with the trailer for Marja’s book.

As I watched the short video, tears started running down my face. Nine hours later, I re-watched it and had the same reaction. Once again, I have been presented with a person whose willingness to live life fully inspires me, profoundly inspires me. A person who teaches me that my life will be of value regardless of the circumstances. One who by example lets me know that it is possible for me to be happy no matter what challenges come my way. As I age, I find I need that reminder more often than ever.

I will leave you with the same video. Be sure to turn on the subtitles by clicking on the CC at the bottom, unless you speak Finnish that is!

Written for Dungeon Prompts: Getting to Our Happy Place

Practicing Retirement

Not long ago, I was talking with someone who commented that being retired would be so boring. I was startled because I think the opposite. There are so many things I’d like to do. It seems to me that when I’m retired, I will have time to do more of them. I decided to practice being retired!

Ideally, I would be able to devote three or four days a week to that experiment, but that won’t happen often. Yesterday, unexpectedly, ended up being a free day so I decided to make it a “Practicing Retirement” day!”

I planned to do some canning that day, so on Wednesday I purchased blueberries and peaches at the farmers’ market. I was ready for the big day.

The first thing in the morning I checked my email and blog and then reblogged a post from @contentedness.net. Next I ate breakfast, showered and dressed.

The first project on my list was to gather tomatoes from the garden and make some roasted tomatoes.

Sliced tomatoes from garden

Add oregano and garlic cloves

Mix with olive oil and put on a baking sheet

After 30 minutes of roasting at 300 degrees

After 2 hours of roasting

Keep what I need for soup and put the rest in a jar to freeze

Then I baked a sweet potato that I will use later in the week for making Immune Booster Orange Smoothies!

Cut in half, rub with olive oil, bake on tin foil

Finished!

On to making crock-pot soup for tonight. The garden isn’t producing much now, and the vegetables tend to be small, but there is still enough to make soup.

Garden Vegetables

Add roasted tomatoes

Next, time to make blueberry freezer jam. I needed to get some supplies at the store to be able to do that. I started feeling strange when I was there and realized I had been so eager to start my “Practice Retirement” day that I had forgotten to take my blood pressure medicine in the morning. Not good. I carry extra pills in my wallet for occasions like that though, so took one right away. I will need to make sure I don’t get too engrossed in activities when I’m retired.

The medication wasn’t working yet so I decided to use the regular checkout line rather than the self checkout. That seemed reasonable for a retiree to do! When the bagger asked if I wanted him to put my bag in a cart I said “No, I can carry it.” I soon realized that it was heavy and that my blood pressure was up, and besides I’m retired, so I changed my mind. I could have even asked him to take it to the car for me, but I didn’t go that far.

Back home, it was time to make the freezer jam!

Blueberries from farmers’ market

Mash blueberries

Add juice, lemon and pectin

Add honey

Put the jam in jars, refrigerate over night, and then place them in the freezer

Time to rest and have some lunch. I shouldn’t be busy all of the time!

From time to time throughout the day, I worked with the graphic artist on September’s Pacific Northwest GreenFriends newsletter. By late afternoon, it was finished and I started sending it out to Amma groups in the region. I plan to continue working on the newsletter when I’m retired so it definitely fit into my practice day.

http://greenfriendsna.org/Downloads/04_Newsletter_50-September2015_v2.pdf

Time to can four quarts of peaches.

I have at least 6 more quarts of peaches to process, but that was enough canning for one day. I was tired.

After some rest, I was ready for dinner and my “Practice Retirement” day’s big finale.

This was the last of the preseason games and we won. If the Seahawks are playing this well without our starters, I wonder what the regular season is going to be like. I look forward to finding out! I also look forward to discovering which rookies make it onto the team. (I can’t believe I’m talking like this! I NEVER thought football would become an important part of my life.)

I loved my “Practicing Retirement” day. I know I won’t be able to do this much in one day when I actually retire; in fact I couldn’t keep up this pace even at the age I am now. When I retire, I will make sure I spend time being quiet and still, perhaps even having picnics with friends and looking at beautiful scenery like in the picture at the top of this post. Even when my body isn’t able to do the things I want to do, with my family and friends support, I believe I will live a fulfilling life. I do not think I will be bored when I retire.

That “Now I Get It” Moment

I graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree in 1970, followed by a Master of Nursing in 1974. After receiving my Master’s degree, I taught undergraduate nursing students at the University of Washington for five years. I enjoyed teaching, conducting research and writing for publication, all requirements of my Assistant Professor position. After teaching there for five years, I decided to take a job as a Maternal-Newborn Clinical Specialist at Swedish Hospital Medical Center in Seattle.

To progress along a tenure track at the University of Washington, I would have had to earn a PhD. At some point in the early 80’s, I decided to start working on the PhD. I don’t remember what my reasoning was at the time, but I imagine it was to keep my options open. Afterall, I might want to teach at the University again someday. I continued to work at Swedish Hospital part time as I started the PhD program coursework. I don’t remember what the degree was called in those days but I know that it focused on nursing research and that I chose a track that had a special emphasis in statistics.

At some point during those years, I also started my personal therapy. I loved that process. It helped me move through the pain of my early years and I was able to make good friends and connect in a way I hadn’t in the past. One day, I had an insight that hit me like a sledge hammer. Even though I was doing very well in my studies, I realized I didn’t want a PhD and I didn’t want nursing research to be my life’s work.

In that moment, I realized I was studying for the degree in hopes that my father would acknowledge my existence if I had a PhD. My education had always been important to him and some of my earliest memories were of me asking him to make up math problems I could work on.

While I don’t think we were ever close, our relationship became even more strained as I moved into my teen and young adult years. We had battles when I came home from college during summer vacations, usually over civil rights issues. During one of those altercations, he told me to get out of the house. My mother intervened so I didn’t actually move out. The last straw came in 1971 when I told him I was going to marry Al, an African-American man I had met in Seattle. Simply by my having made that statement, he declared that he would not speak to me again, and he didn’t. My father died in 1999 without ever having said a word to me or my children.

Realizing that my PhD study was so tied to a child-like yearning for my father’s approval ended my interest in the degree. I was loving my psychotherapy experience and in time it became my passion. I did what it took to get the credentialing to become a nurse psychotherapist (Clinical Nurse Specialist in Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing) and I’ve been doing that work ever since.

I see the moment when I recognized the tie between my PhD program and the unfinished business from my past as one of those life changing moments, one that propelled me into work that I felt passionate about and believe I was born to do.

Written for Dungeon Prompts: That Now I Get It Moment

Being the Hands of the Divine

When I read the Dungeon Prompts: Our Magic Powers writing challenge for the week I was perplexed. The prompt was:

We are all gifted with certain magical powers. We may not have fully harnessed them, or we may rebel against the powers we’ve been given, but we know that they are there. The power may be so potent that we are scared to use it, or we may have come to terms and learned the intricacies of it. We may have used them for evil or for good, but when we think that we can go unnoticed, we have surely tested them out.

Magical powers go beyond a talent for something. It involves bending reality to your will. When your will comes in tune with the cosmic will you may notice your powers flow like a raging river. Whether you hide it or not, you know that it’s there. So this week, tell us about your magical powers.

To me, the magic in life is the work of the Divine, whether it be a seed turning into a beautiful flower or the wondrous nature of all life forms. All the synchronicities that occur in my life feel like a Divine play. I will never forget my last trip to India when I was told I would be upgraded to Business Class if I was willing to sit in a seat where the video didn’t work. Soon I discovered that the man sitting next to me, who was also gifted with an upgrade, was a Sanskrit student and teacher. In fact, he was teaching from the identical Sanskrit textbook that I was struggling with at the time. He had even gone to the same Sanskrit camp I had attended the previous summer! To me that whole scenario felt like magic, but I believe it was actually a gift from the Divine.

I see all of us as instruments of the Divine, tasked with being His/Her hands. When we do that work it may seem like magic to others, or even to ourselves. So in that spirit, what kind of magic is it that I do?

I thought back to my 65^th birthday when a small group of friends celebrated that milestone with me. At one point in the evening, they talked about me. It was like being a witness to one’s own memorial service. I was amazed at what they said about me and the impact they believed I have had on their lives. I also thought about things other people have said about me in the past and to a post (When They Think of Me….) I wrote last year after having asked friends what objects they thought of when they thought of me. At that time, one person responded:

Well, my first thought of you is your abundant beautiful hair, but that’s not an object. When I just stopped for a moment and visualized you, I immediately saw you with a tool in your hand. The tool could be anything – a garden trowel, a spatula, a pen, a hammer, a paint brush, a computer, one of those long grips for picking up litter – but you very much (my impression anyway) – interact with the world and use many kinds of tools. So it would be Karuna, Jill-of-all-trades, with a tool.

I believe the following may be seen as my magic:

Sometimes my psychotherapy clients think that I must be able to see right through them, or read their minds.
The craft projects I do such as making tiny dolls, crocheting, knitting, quilting, etc.
Creating and inspiring others to join in new projects, such as the PNW Litter Project and the PNW GreenFriends Newsletter.
The amount of energy I have and what I accomplish with it.
My use of words in the books I have written and on my blog.

To me though, that isn’t magic. All of it happens when I am “in the flow” and willing to be used as an instrument, i.e. being the hands, of the Divine. May I continue to live in this manner until the end of my days.

A Favorite Prayer

Many years ago, I was given a handout at a workshop that contained this prayer. I laughed when I read it then and I laugh when I think of it now. I can so relate.

I believe finding humor even in a dark or frustrating situation can help us lighten up.

Oh Lord,

Please help me make it through

this self imposed

and totally unnecessary challenge.

(Author Unknown)

Written for Dungeon Prompts: Using Our Words for Spreading Joy

Perfection is Not the Goal!

“We can be redeemed only to the extent to which we see ourselves.”
― Martin Buber

I have a tendency to mull over past mistakes. I am even more likely to do that when I have made mistakes that hurt my children in some way. There are times I still cringe when I think of ways I treated them during their childhood and teenage years.

It is true that I, like most parents, did the best I could even though I didn’t have the knowledge or skills to do a perfect job of parenting. And like most parents, I was often too tired and worn down to always do the right thing. I have no doubt that I was a “good enough parent” but when I am “in my stuff” I expect myself to have been perfect.

For me, redemption comes when I see how they are in the world as adults. Sreejit is 40 years old and has lived in Amma’s California or India ashram since he was 19. He is committed to his spiritual path and to serving the world by supporting Amma’s charitable projects. He does this by being one of the main cooks for the Western Canteen in Amma’s Amritapuri ashram. In addition, he is a gifted musician, author, song writer, blogger and poet.

Chaitanya is 37 years old and has lived in Amma’s Amritapuri ashram since her 21^st birthday. She too is avidly committed to her spiritual path and to supporting Amma in any way possible. She is a born leader, responsible for managing Amritapuri’s Western Canteen and Café. In addition, she is a gifted writer, director and choreographer of Broadway style musicals. When people need support, they often seek her out.

Both of them are loved and respected by all who know them; and they are wise beyond their years. I have had numerous people tell me “If you ever question that you have done things right (in life), all you need to do is take a look at your kids.”

Both Chaitanya and Sreejit have told me how valuable it was for them to have had the life experiences they had as they were growing up. I regularly see them using knowledge, skills, and attitudes that have their roots in things they learned from their dad and me. They took those teachings and then developed them as they became the people they are today.

As Buber said, “We can be redeemed only to the extent to which we see ourselves.” When mistakes I made in the past come to mind, I need to remind myself to look at the bigger picture. My children learned from any mistakes I made and are better people because of them. My being perfect would not have even been in their best interest. I only need to look at the “fruit of my actions” to know I was a good parent!

Chaitanya and me

Sreejit’s fFirst trip to India

Playing around

Chaitanya’s first trip to India

With their dad

Best of friends

Sreejit and Chaitany are on each end

Written for Dungeon Prompts: Redemption Song

Fierce of Heart

While mystical experiences are not the basis of spiritual process and can even be a distraction, in my early years with Amma I believe they were a means for Spirit to get my attention and pull me in. They showed my normal logical mind that there were realms I knew nothing about and that I had to let go of my rigid way of seeing the world and learn to allow my life to unfold.

Last week, when I read Sreejit’s Dungeon Prompts: Only for the Fierce of Heart challenge, I thought of an event that occurred in 1994. Before I tell you that story let me say that I believe it takes courage and a fierce commitment to one’s spiritual journey to be willing to go places that take you out of the realm of normal experience, and also to be committed to doing “whatever it takes” along the way. Some of the processes that were happening to me in those days were public, and since I am very introverted, I believe my willingness to let them occur, with discrimination, exemplifies my fierce determination to do whatever it takes.

After I met Amma in 1989, I experienced tremendous separation grief whenever she would leave. I am so thankful that Spirit led me to places where that empty hole inside of me could continue to fill when I was not in her physical presence.

One of those places was the Power House Church of God in Christ. The Church of God in Christ (COGIC) is a black Pentecostal denomination. I never thought I would go to a conservative Christian church again, but other than the fact that I was uncomfortable with many of their sermons, I loved it. The people were so loving towards me and their music filled me with joy.

At some point, my feet started spontaneously moving to the music while I was seated. Many months later, I stood up and let the dance take over my entire body. Soon I began “Dancing in the Spirit” along with other parishioners. My form of dancing often turned into whirling. That process not only removed the grief, it led to exhilarating joy.

In summer of 1994, when I attended Amma’s New York City programs, I decided to go a service at a COGIC church in Harlem. I had visited that same church the year before. At that time, I found it to be similar to Power House, but more restrained. Their music tended to be soulful rather than celebratory and I had not seen anyone dance.

This time, a friend decided to come with me. At the beginning of the service, the minister welcomed both of us and told us to have a good time. Like the previous year, there were no other white faces in the congregation.

During the time since my last visit, I had begun to experience the spontaneous dance almost every time I went to church. As I looked around this church, I saw the ushers were children. At Power House the ushers were adults. Part of their job was to protect the people who were dancing in the Spirit. I concluded that dancing was probably not a regular occurrence here and decided to restrain it should it occur.

I was not prepared, however, for the fact that all of my recent contact with Amma made that unconscious part of me much more accessible. The minute the music started, my body began to dance. While I probably could have shut it down, the energy was so strong I wasn’t sure about that. I decided to let it come. Later, my friend said people looked at her, concerned that I was okay. She just stood there helplessly indicating I was fine.

The energy became stronger than my body could keep up with, so I dropped into a position of prostration, i.e. bowing down with my forehead to floor. The energy inside of me began to calm down.

While I had no doubt that my dancing in that church was acceptable and that the congregation would probably enjoy telling the story of the day the white girl danced in their church for years, part of me was embarrassed. I was once told that the difference between shock and embarrassment is that shock drains life force energy whereas embarrassment may enhance it. A person experiencing shock turns white and “death-like.” With embarrassment, the fear is joined by a bit of pleasure. Instead of turning white, the person experiencing embarrassment turns red from the increase in blood-flow. My experience at the Harlem church was definitely embarrassment not shock. I felt full of life!

At the end of the service, the minister, with a smile on his face, said, “We told her to have a good time, and she did!” I have relished that memory for years.

As I was writing this post, “Hold My Mule” by Shirley Caesar came to mind. The recording starts with a story and turns into song. I have used it in many workshops over the years and was delighted to find it on YouTube. I think it is a good example of being fierce of heart so will use it to end my post!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO-Fkmyz44M

Weekly Photo Challenge: Symbol

Several times between 1987 and 1990, during guided imagery experiences or in dreams, I had received a “gift” of blue-white light. Each experience had so profoundly moved me that in December of 1990, I decided to ask Amma what the light represented. She responded that blue-white light is the color that occurs when an individual soul merges with God.

I believe that sometimes we are given glimpses of what is possible, and then the “door” closes, or the “window” shuts, and our job is to do the work to get back to that place. Having glimpses of the sacred keeps us motivated to keep moving forward. It seemed to me that receiving the vision of the blue-white light was one of those instances.

Sometime later, I purchased a ring that had a light blue stone. One day as I gazed at it, I realized the color was very similar my blue-white light experiences. At another time, I came upon a metal figurine of two angels holding a light blue globe. I saw the figurine as a symbol of those earlier experiences and purchased it. The angels have been on my altar ever since.

When I read that this week’s Weekly Photo Challenge was “Symbol,” the angel figurine came to mind. This morning, before I left for Toronto, I took photographs of it. I was annoyed that I kept seeing a reflection of myself holding the camera in the globe and actively avoided taking a picture that had me in it.

When I looked at all the photos later, I discovered that there was a reflection of one sort or another in each of them. I saw that those reflections created a beautiful effect.

As I thought about my avoidance, I realized that was symbolic in and of itself. I had resisted taking a picture of me surrounded in blue-white light, a light I had been told represented the soul merging with God.

After I return to Seattle, I will purposely take a photograph where I am in the reflection. I will look at it when I am procrastinating doing the practices I know I need to do in order to progress on my spiritual journey!